Gifts and Offerings

One of my favorite books is entitled "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever". I try to read this touching little book every year between Thanksgiving and Christmas, as it always helps me to see Christmas through new eyes, and never ceases to remind me of the true meaning of Christmas.

The first sentence in this book sets the stage: "The Herdmans were absolutely the worst kids in the history of the world." They loved to start large fires because the police cars and fire engines were sure to roll in, followed by delicious, free donuts from a generous local diner. Their idea of a game was to bang a garage door up and down as fast as they could in an attempt to "squash" each other.

Yes, the Herdmans were six skinny, undisciplined, stairstep children...Ralph, Imogene, Leroy, Claude, Ollie, and Gladys...whose dad had left , and whose overwhelmed mom had to work long hours to provide for her family. So, the Herdman children were pretty much left to take care of themselves.

These ruffian children took great pleasure in being terrors to their teachers and fellow students alike. And, there was not a teacher in the school who was brave or foolish enough to hold back a Herdman in their current grade, as that would create the impossible, unimaginable scenario of dealing with two Herdmans the next year.

The Herdmans had never set foot in a church...that is, until they heard that there would be free refreshments. And, that is when they got involved with the Christmas pageant. This annual event had been rehearsed and performed the same way for as long as anyone could remember. But, that changed when the Herdmans bullied their way into all of the leading roles in the pageant.

Since the Herdmans had never heard of the Christmas story, it was all fresh and new to them. Imogene played Mary, complete with a black eye, and was ready to "clobber" anyone who laid a hand on her baby. All of the Herdmans wanted to find Herod so they could burn him alive. And, they thought the gifts from the wise men were the most ridiculous, impractical offerings they had ever seen.

On the night of the Christmas pageant, the three wise men (Leroy, Claude, and Ollie) surprised everyone by placing their family food-basket ham in front of the manger as a gift for Jesus (and refused to take it back after the pageant). And, that is the part of the story that always brings tears to my eyes, as it reminds me that my gift for Jesus may not be the same as another's gift. The Herdman children gave an offering that was of value to them...the best that they had. And, the question that comes to my mind is, "Why should I offer Jesus any less?"

Lord, help me to see Your truths through new eyes, and to give you nothing less than the best that I have. Don't let me forget that everything I have to offer comes from You.

What can I give Him

Poor as I am

If I were a Shepherd

I would give a lamb

If I were a wise man

I would do my part

But what can I give Him

Give Him my heart

(Last verse of "In the Bleak Midwinter")

Through the Eyes of the Great Physician

As I am watching a dusting of snow on this cold December night, my mind travels back just a few weeks to a special November day at the beach. I would like to share more thoughts that came to mind on that day....

Journal entry on 11/09/10: I love to gather shells. On this journey to the beach, I have felt drawn to the large, thick shells. As always, I love the broken shells, as they are very symbolic to me (see January blog posting entitled "Broken Shells"). As I was picking up shells while walking along the beach, some friendly folks would ask, "Any luck with the shells"? or "Finding any pretty ones?" My response was, "Since I am partial to the broken shells, it is always a good shell day." That response always brought a smile.

I am so glad that God is partial to the broken shells. When Jesus was criticized by pious sinners for hanging out with the lowly sinners, He made it clear that the sick are the ones who need the doctor (Matthew 9:12). He truly is the Great Physician, and He loves broken shells like me. What a comfort that is!

Maybe I am relating to the large, thick shells on this trip as that is how I feel, especially when I look at a number on a scale. But, it occurs to me that those large, thick shells have been out in the ocean longer, tossing to and fro in their turbulent home. I, too, have been in the ocean of life for a long time. And, it would be safe to say that I have been tossed around in some major turbulence during 2010.

I believe that God sees the best in this thick, broken shell. And, I am eternally grateful that He chooses to use me, even in my broken condition. It amazes me that my broken state can be used as His vessel. Perhaps my imperfect condition will help me relate to another thick, hurting, broken shell. After all, a small, delicate, perfect shell might not understand what the thick, broken shell has endured.

Lord, help me to see myself through Your eyes. Then use me to make a difference in the lives of others who are broken and hurting.

Marigold

Here are some thoughts which were written one week ago as I enjoyed my special day at the beach:

I am sitting by the ocean at a restaurant called The Crow's Nest. Since it is mid-afternoon in the late Autumn season, I am the only customer at the restaurant. So, I am enjoying dining outside, listening to the waves, and writing in my journal. And, the chicken quesadillas are delicious!

To say that I am savoring these moments would not even begin to tell the story. While this special day at the beach is a birthday gift that I gave to myself, I am very aware that every day is a precious gift from God.

It is such fun to watch people. Since I am here in the month of November, the beach is not crowded. The majority of the beach population on this day consists of senior adults and their dogs.

As I walked on the beach this morning, I met an older couple from Canada. While they were an interesting pair, the family member who caught my attention and completely fascinated me was their dog. "Marigold" is an 11 year-old golden retriever who seems to live a fearless life. When a ball is tossed into the ocean, Marigold sprints after it with abandon, jumping the waves until she retrieves the prize. She pursues that prize with courage and uninhibited joy.

I observed that Marigold would sometimes lose sight of the ball. When that happened, her owner would make an effort to get closer and talk to her as he tried to give guidance about the location of the prize. Because of the sounds of the crashing waves, Marigold could not hear her owner's voice. When she briefly came out of the turbulent waters, she was able to hear the direction from her master, enabling her to get back on track in her pursuit of the prize.

Oh, how true that is of our lives! When we are in the midst of the turbulent seas and the crashing waves of life, it can be difficult to hear our Master's voice. He is trying to give us direction and guidance. But, until we take time to remove ourselves from the distractions and the noise, we can't hear His voice. While our Master has the power to quiet those crashing waves, He sometimes chooses not to do that. Maybe He wants us to take a step toward Him so that we can hear His voice.

I learned that Marigold's body was designed for the purpose of retrieving. God has also designed me for a purpose. At this time in my life, I am not sure

what is being tossed out into the waves before me. But, I am confident that God will equip me with exactly what I need. And, like Marigold, I want to go after that prize with courage and joy!

"I wanna live with a fearless heart;

Courage that's coming from trust in God.

It's constantly guiding me, though the road may seem dark;

I wanna live, wanna live with a fearless heart."

(Fearless Heart by Point of Grace)

Philippians 3:14 - I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me Heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Balconies and Bars

At this moment, I am sitting in a white plastic chair on an 11th floor balcony, drinking French Vanilla hot chocolate, eating cheese crackers, relaxing, and thoroughly enjoying the ocean. This day at the beach is a birthday gift that I gave myself. And, God is so gracious to provide the sights and sounds of nature. The vastness of the ocean never ceases to amaze me. And, oh how I love the sound of the crashing waves!

If I sit on the balcony as I am now, I view the ocean through black bars (which, by the way, I am grateful are there since they protect me from falling eleven stories to my death!). However, if I stand on this balcony, I can enjoy the ocean with no bars obstructing the view. It seems significant to me that, to remove the obstacles, I need to change my position.

It occurs to me that we sometimes sit in our current circumstances and view the world through obstructing "bars" that we have created for ourselves.

I am very aware that a solution may not be an "easy fix". But, I am convinced that, in some life situations, a good start is to change our view.

Maybe this will involve choosing to develop a different attitude which will help us see the current circumstances through new eyes. While the scenario may be the same, getting in a position which removes the obstructing "bars" may help us see more clearly how to handle the situation.

One week ago, I received a good six-month medical report, after being diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. What a blessing and a relief to learn that, six months after surgery and radiation treatments, there were no signs of cancer! But, yesterday I shared with friends that I am thankful that I was diagnosed with cancer this year as it put me in a position which changed how I view the world. I notice things that I might have missed before. Even though my life is not perfect, there are no self-created "bars" obstructing my view.

On this day, I am choosing to position myself to see clearly and to be thankful....for this time at the beach on a beautiful sunny day in November, for another birthday, for the ability to walk on the beach, for good health, for an earthly family and a Heavenly Father who love me, for friends who value me and who accept me "as is", for encouraging words which sometimes arrive through songs or from chance meetings with strangers, for opportunities to serve God, for teachers who taught me to read and write, for a job that I enjoy and that gives me opportunities to make a difference, for money to pay my bills, for a home....the list of blessings is as vast as the ocean!

Are there "bars" obstructing your view of life? If so, think about how you can position yourself to see more clearly. There is an ocean of blessings that you don't want to miss!

Missing the Miracles

My kitchen window faces a deck which is on the back of the house. Over the years, I have spent a lot of time at that window as I washed dishes. During an evening when Rob was 7 years-old, we were on the deck cleaning out the birdbath/fountain. As we worked together, God provided a brilliant sunset.

Standing in awe of that breath-taking scene, I asked Rob, "How have I missed these beautiful sunsets?" He looked up at me and immediately responded, "You've been looking down at the dishes." Ouch! That honest answer from an innocent child pierced my heart. I realized that, as I was busy looking down and focusing on the dishes, I was missing the miracle of the sunset.

That experience occurred over a decade ago. Since then, we have enjoyed many sunsets from the view of that same deck. The valuable lesson that I learned from my 7 year-old son was that the dishes would wait. They would be there when the sunset was gone.

Lord, forgive my busy nature. Show me what is truly important, and don't let me miss the beauty that you are so faithful to provide. As Rob is now in college, and I sit alone on that deck, give me eyes that still see the miracles.

Expiration Dates

Over the last couple of days, I have been pondering the subject of expiration dates. Yes, those "best if used by" dates that we find stamped on many food products. You are probably already wondering why that topic would be on my mind. So, I will tell you about something that happened on Saturday afternoon.

As I was reading a recipe that I wanted to make for an evening gathering, I noticed that an ingredient in the recipe was celery salt. I could not imagine that I had any celery salt in stock, as I didn't recall ever using that ingredient in a recipe. But, I decided to look in the cabinet anyway. And, to my great amazement, there was a container of celery salt! I decided that it would be a wise idea to check the expiration date. And, there it was....are you ready?.....March 16, 1989!! That container of celery salt was three years older than my son who is now a freshman in college! Did I use that celery salt? No way. That ingredient's opportunity to be used had expired long ago. So, I tossed it out.

Then my mind drifted off in a different direction. I began to wonder what it would be like if we were born with an expiration date stamped somewhere on our bodies. Yes, a "best if used by" date which could signify the date of our death, or perhaps a date when health problems would prevent us from serving in the way that God had originally equipped us to serve. Would we live in fear? Or, would we have more of a sense of urgency to be used and to do what God has called us to do prior to that expiration date? Something to think about.

It occurs to me that perhaps I should have more of a sense of urgency because I don't know my expiration date. If I have a song to play, then I need to play it. If I feel that nudge from the Holy Spirit to say or write an encouraging word, then I need to be swift about sharing that word. How do I know there will be another opportunity? If you are a teacher, and there is a lesson that needs to be taught, then be diligent and passionate about teaching it while there is still time. Only God knows how long we have to serve Him in this life.

Psalm 139:16 - All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 90:12 - Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Expectations

It has been three weeks since I took my son, Rob, to American University in Washington, DC. As I walk through this new chapter of life, I am thinking that it might be therapeutic to record some memories. So, here is one from 1999:

Rob was 7 years-old, and had slept in later than usual since he was out of school for Veterans' Day. At 11:30pm he was having difficulty falling asleep.

I finally laid down beside him in the darkness of his room. Five to ten minutes of quietness passed, and I thought that Rob had finally fallen asleep.

Suddenly, I heard a little voice next to me saying, "Mom, there is something that I have to tell you." I replied, "What is it?". Rob said, "I think I know how to spell expectation." He spelled it for me, and I assured him that he was correct. Then he immediately fell asleep.

How many times do we lie in bed for a "spell" (pun intended!:), thinking about expectations? Did I accomplish everything that I expected that I would accomplish on that day? It is so easy to get caught up in what others expect of us, and what we expect of ourselves when what really matters is what God expects of us. And, that is outlined in His Word.

I have always been a "list person". The confession is that I sometimes write down a task that I have already accomplished so that I can immediately check it off. How crazy is that?! I suppose that some of us thrive on that feeling of accomplishment. But, life is more than a series of "to do" lists. It might surprise my son to read that as he has gone through years of "Rob Job" lists. Those were my expectations of him after his homework was completed. And, sharing responsibilities is part of being a family.

However, God does not want us to live in a prison of guilt because of an unmet expectation that we placed on ourselves, or that we allowed (yes, we gave them permission) someone else to place on us.

An old hymn of the faith says, "Give of your best to the Master." If our best did not include getting everything done on our "to do" list, then maybe we need to give ourselves a break. Perhaps we need to put down that heavy bag of expectations for a "spell". We may decide that we don't want to pick it up again.

Matthew 11:28 - Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened (Jill's note - weary and burdened from expectations?), and I will give you rest.

Lord, I know that You are beside me in the darkness and quietness of the night. Help me to say, "Father, there is something that I have to tell You." I know that You will reply, "What is it, my child?" After I tell You what is on my mind, help me to rest in You.

Obstacles and Chains

I have been reading again in "A Heart Exposed ..Talking to God with Nothing to Hide". Here are some excerpts that spoke to me on this night:

"We are sky children

lost in the valley,

looking for the trail

back up the hill."

"Somehow I've managed to convince myself that all of these chains I drape over my soul are really necklaces to happiness."

"It's hard to have perspective when the prison feels so much like home."

Psalm 142:7 - Set me free from my prison, that I may praise Your name."

What is my prison? Anger? Disappointment? Resentment? An unforgiving heart? Bingo!

As I was driving today, I heard a short segment of a sermon on the Christian radio station. From what I could gather, the pastor was talking about obstacles in our spiritual lives. At the risk of no one believing me, I am going to share the words that jumped from the radio to my soul: "Maybe you have not forgiven Bob." Yes, he actually said that! Then the pastor proceeded to give other examples of names that may not have been forgiven.

Those words brought to mind a conversation that took place in my home several years ago as Bob was preparing to travel to his daughter's wedding which was taking place in Texas. I felt prompted to ask Bob if he had forgiven his ex-wife who would be at the wedding. Even though they had been divorced for over thirty years, it occurred to me that the greatest gift Bob could give his daughter was to forgive her mother. Bob assured me that he had forgiven her many years ago.

Fast forward to the present. Now it is time for me to examine my own heart. Just maybe it is possible that I have not forgiven Bob for leaving at a critical time in my life. Even though he did not know that I would be diagnosed with breast cancer just a few weeks after he made the decision to leave, I must admit that I sometimes felt abandoned by him as I was driving alone twice each day for the radiation treatments. But, God was good as He always provided the perfect song on the radio, or a kind, encouraging word at just the right time.

So......I am choosing to forgive, as that is the best gift that I can give myself and my son. And, I hope that Bob will forgive me for anything that I did to contribute to the dissolving of our marriage.

Now excuse me while I go unravel some chains from around my soul.

Ephesians 4:32 - "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Singing and Soaring

Psalm 144:9a - "I will sing a new song to You, O God.."

I am on the brink of yet another new chapter in my life. And, so is my son. We had such a special weekend at the beach. It was refreshing to be away from the things which have the potential to keep us from spending time together...computers, work, other people, overfilled schedules.

Spending quality time with Rob has been a priority for many years. In fact, we started our Tuesday "date night" tradition when he was in the early elementary school years. Since Bob had his weekly fire department meeting on Tuesday nights, it was the perfect opportunity for Rob and me to set aside that time for each other. Our time together did not include anything fancy or expensive. We would usually go out for dinner. And, the time was most important....not the specifics of what we did during that time.

Tomorrow I will be taking my son to American University in Washington, DC.

And, for the first time, he will not be coming home from school at the end of the day. Rob is very excited and understandably apprehensive as this is a huge step for him. I am also excited for Rob, and am doing everything I can to help make this new life experience happen for him. But, I must confess that this is a bittersweet time as I watch my only child spread his wings. As Rob becomes an American eagle (yes, the eagle is the university mascot!), I want him to soar. But, this mom's confession is that I am dreading the moment when I get in my car and drive home without Rob. And, I am dreading the moment when I walk in the front door of our home, knowing that Rob will not be coming in and out of that same door for several months.

I dread walking into his bedroom and seeing all of the things that remind me of my beloved son. Those may sound like selfish thoughts. But, they are my thoughts, nonetheless. A wise friend reminded me that Rob is not going to the moon, and that I will see him again. But, I must say that it feels like he is traveling to the moon.

Back to the song....I want to find the song that God has for me during this time of my life. Even on those melancholy days which will surely come, I know that God will give me a new song, just as He will have a new song for Rob. I pray that God will cover Rob and me with His protective, comforting wings.

Psalm 91:4a - "He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge."

Psalm 91:11 - "For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways."

Lord, help me to depend on You for my song during the days ahead, especially on those days when I cannot hear the music. Help me to hope in You, and help Rob to turn to You during the challenging days ahead. My desire is that both of us will, in Your strength, sing and soar!

Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Dan's Courageous Example

On March 14, 2010 I posted a blog entry entitled "Gentle Friendship". My dear friend and childhood basketball buddy, Dan, had just been diagnosed with cancer and was beginning a new journey down an unknown path. I shared these words: "I believe that God will put a quiet, unwavering courage and strength inside of Dan this week. I am praying that this courage and strength will be evident to all who are in his path, and that people will stand in awe of what God chooses to do in the coming days."

God has truly answered that prayer as, over the last weeks and months, Dan has consistently demonstrated an unwavering strength and courage beyond all human capability. Dan has faced surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. From the very beginning of this journey, Dan has insisted that God has a plan. He continues to trust God and to stand on a firm foundation.

There was much rejoicing yesterday as Nancy, Dan's faithful wife, announced to our congregation that the latest scan revealed no visible sign of disease in Dan's body. He will complete the last dozen chemotherapy treatments, and has a cruise scheduled in a few weeks.

Nancy reminded us that, if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

When I wrote about my gentle friend on March 14, I had no idea that I would be diagnosed with cancer just 18 days later. While my journey, so far, has been far less extensive than Dan's journey, I found myself relating to Dan and drawing strength from his courageous example as I faced surgery and radiation treatments. I am thrilled to say that there is also no visible sign of disease in my body at this time.

A verse of an old hymn of the faith comes to mind: "Fear not, for I am with thee; O be not dismayed. For I am thy God, and I will still give thee aid. I will strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand."

Dan, thank you for showing me through your life that God has a plan, that we can trust Him, and that we have a firm foundation on which to stand. I am convinced that God is not finished with us yet!

All

Sometimes the Holy Spirit removes the scales from our eyes and allows us to see things that have been there all along. On this day, the word that has jumped off of the page is "all". I feel compelled to share some things that have leaped from the scriptures and have landed in my heart.

Psalm 145:13b - The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made.

vs 14 - The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.

Matthew 6:33 - Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you (another way to say added unto you is "given to you as well").

Psalm 91:9 - If you make the Most High your dwelling.... even the Lord, who is my refuge.... (vs 10) Then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. (vs 11) For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:19 - My God will supply all your needs, according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

(vs 7) And the peace of God, which passes (transcends) all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Those are just the verses that I saw on this day. I am sure that I did not even begin to see all of the hundreds of "all verses".

Prayer from a thankful heart:

1) Lord, thank you for all of Your blessings.

2) Thank you for being faithful to keep all of your promises.

3) Thank you for giving me strength to do all things.

4) Thank you for supplying all of my needs. Help me to remember the difference in a want and a need.

5) Even though I still have an occasional "meltdown moment", thank you for giving me a peace that goes beyond all understanding during these days of tremendous change in my life.

"You are my strength when I am weak, You are the treasure that I seek; You are my all in all. Seeking you as a precious jewel, Lord, to give up I'd be a fool; You are my all in all. Taking my sin, my cross, my shame, Rising again I bless Your name; You are my all in all. When I fall down, You pick me up; When I am dry, You fill my cup; You are my all in all."

In all things, worthy is Your name!!

Changing Views

Have you ever noticed that perspective changes everything? Here is an example. My son, Rob, graduated from high school last weekend. What a joyous occasion! I am so proud of him. Rob was number six in his class of about 258 seniors. Very impressive. There was a valedictorian, then four seniors who tied for salutatorian. Each of those top five students gave a speech at the graduation ceremony. As we were talking about graduation this evening, Rob referred to himself as the "Valedictorian of the Non-Speech Givers". I love that! What a positive attitude and a great way to look at something that was already good.

Now I am pondering how I can incorporate this way of thinking into my own life. Instead of viewing 2010 as the year when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, perhaps I should think of it as the year when I became a cancer survivor and developed a renewed appreciation for life. Rather than thinking of 2010 as the year when my husband left our 28 year marriage, perhaps I can choose to think of it as the year when I was given the opportunity to start a new chapter in my life, a chapter that is filled with endless possibilities. Does making the decision to change my way of thinking mean that I live in the world of denial and never have a rough day? Absolutely not! It is just a conscious effort to develop a new perspective regarding a situation that has not changed.

"I look across my life and see so many storms. I look across Your love and see only horizons."

Yes, it is all in how we choose to look at the situation. I am going to work on this one.

Story of My Life

I want to share the words to a song that I sang at church this morning. These words reach into the depths of my soul.

Story of My Life

If I had the words to tell you

exactly how I feel

Then I could fill a million pages

with all You've done for me

If I traced each memory

and the source of all my dreams,

Cover to cover You'd see

You are the story of my life

I need You by my side

Both now and ever

You are the Lover of my soul

No matter where I go

I know it's true

The Story of my life is You

If I turned the pages of

The things You've brought me through

There'd be a thread of faithfulness

In everything You do

I'd see where You washed me

Just as white as the snow

And how each day You're helping me grow

You are the Story of my life

I need You by my side

Both now and ever

You are the Lover of my soul

No matter where I go

I know it's true

The Story of my life is You

You are my Testimony

The Reason that I sing

I long to bring You glory

So may You always be

Found on every page of me

You are the Story of my life

I need You by my side

Both now and ever

You are the Lover of my soul

No matter where I go

I know it's true

The Story of my life is You

Lord, help me to remember your faithfulness and that You are the Story of my life.

Transparency

The following poem comes from the deepest recesses of my heart on this fourth day of radiation. There is always a risk involved when we are transparent. But, I am choosing to take that risk.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED?

What ever happened after giving our heart?

After saying "I do" 'til death do us part?

What ever happened to seeing it through?

To really meaning "I'll be with you", and "Forever I'll be true."?

What ever happened to growing old with you?

To make the promise last, what did I need to do?

I keep thinking the door will open, and there you will be,

Ready to keep the promise of spending your life with me.

As I travel through these days of pondering

how and when things started going wrong,

It becomes clear that, whatever the answer,

I must be brave and move on.

I am confident that God is with me,

And He'll show me what to do;

Whatever happens in the days ahead,

I know He will carry me through.

But, for now, there is still great sadness,

As I grieve for what has been lost;

A marriage, a home, a relationship,

And, I wonder....at what cost?

Radiation Eve

I am writing this note on the eve of my first radiation treatment. For many years, every woman diagnosed with breast cancer had no alternative but to have a mastectomy. However, for more than two decades, lumpectomy and radiation (together called breast conservation therapy) have increasingly been used to treat patients with early stage breast cancer (Stage O, I, and II). I am thankful that my tumor was caught very early and was classified as Stage I.

Two steps are involved in the breast conservation therapy. First, a lumpectomy is performed to remove the cancerous tumor. That step was done on April 20, and I have recovered well. Second, I will have the partial breast radiation which will target the area of the breast that has the highest risk for recurrence of the cancer.

The partial radiation approach minimizes radiation exposure to healthy tissue.

Last Wednesday I had outpatient surgery in the surgeon's office. At that time, the surgeon made a small incision in the same site where the tumor was removed. He then implanted a catheter which had a polyurethane balloon on the end. After the catheter was placed in the cavity where the small tumor had been removed, the balloon was inflated with fluid.

During the next five days, I will go twice a day for the radiation treatments which will last about 20 minutes each time. During each treatment, a radioactive seed will be inserted in the catheter, and moved to the balloon to treat the target tissue. After each treatment, the seed will be removed.

Much of the information that I have shared tonight has been gleaned from materials that I have read over the last few weeks, as this is very new to me. I will be forever grateful to those who have lifted me up (and continue to do so) with your love, support, and prayers since the beginning of April when the cancer was diagnosed.

Living the Journey

On this Friday morning, I am reading again in Steven James' book entitled A Heart Exposed...Talking to God with Nothing to Hide. Here is a prayer that is speaking to my heart:

"To the One Who came to free prisoners.

You dance on the breeze in the evening light,

You leap on the curl of a wave, crashing white.

You twirl on a star on the darkest night,

calling, 'Live the journey! Live!'

You seek out the path of the summer rain,

You gleam in the sunlight

and bound through the grain.

You shout through the storm and I hear the refrain,

'Live the journey! Live!'

You ride on the clouds as they streak through the sky,

You soar with the eagle, and gleam in her eye.

You call from the peak and the mountains reply,

'Live the journey! Live'

You brave all the rapids and paddle upstream,

Embracing the world's most impossible dream.

You whisper and shout, and sometimes You scream,

'Live the journey! Live'

You stand with Your face to the salt and the spray,

You run in the race in the heat of the day;

You invite us to die and be born a new way;

To live the journey.

To live."

Jill's prayer: Lord, You came that I might have life, and have it more abundantly. Thank you for showing me that my journey here is not over. I pray that I will never take life for granted. In Your time, reveal the plans that You have for the next phase of my journey through this life. And, help me to live the journey. To live.

Faithfulness

On this Thursday morning, I am thinking about God's faithfulness. Two days ago I had surgery during which the surgeon removed a small tumor that had taken up residence in my left breast. While I was under anesthesia, some lymph nodes were removed and tested. What a relief to learn that there was no cancer in the lymph nodes! God is faithful. When I learned, weeks ago, that there was cancer in my body, God was faithful. And, if there had been cancer in the lymph nodes, God would have been faithful to carry me through.

Yesterday a friend reminded me of the words in Lamentations 3:22-23 ...

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

Consumed with what? Worry? Anger? Bitterness? Regret? Disappointment? It would be so easy to be consumed with some of those feelings. But, because of God's great love, we are NOT consumed.

Of course, that scripture brings to mind one of the old hymns of the faith...Great is Thy Faithfulness". One of my favorite lines is "Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not." In plain language, that means "God, You don't change, and Your love never fails." God is faithful to be there. Period.

People change. People leave. But, God promised that He would never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). And, He is faithful to keep His promises.

Yes, God will be faithful to carry me through the days ahead as I heal and then go through the radiation treatments. And, it is a comfort to know that no one can snatch me out of my Father's hands (John 10:29).

Note: I encourage you to go to lesleyheartspeaks.blogspot.com as my friend has written a recent posting which encourages us to be faithful about getting our screening mammograms. You will not be surprised that I am in complete agreement about that. A lady recently said to me that she is negligent about getting her mammograms because "what I don't know won't hurt me." The truth is that what we don't know can kill us. So, make yourself a priority and schedule that mammogram if you are due for one.

Health Update

Since there are folks who are keeping up with my health updates on this blog, here is the latest:

My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, April 20. The surgeon plans to do a lumpectomy. He will also make an additional incision under my arm for the purpose of removing several key lymph nodes which will be tested while I am still under anesthesia. If the nodes are not clear (of cancer), the surgeon will remove all of the lymph nodes from under my left arm and will insert a couple of drains. I pray that the lymph nodes will be cancer-free.

The surgeon said that I will need to have radiation for a time after the surgery. But, I will know more details about that later.

One step at a time.

Overpopulated Prisons

I want to update a message that I shared with some friends in September of 2009 as I was reading (yes, again!) in Max Lucado's book entitled "Traveling Light". I was pondering the author's excerpt about the prison of want, otherwise known as the burden of discontent. At that time, I had no idea what the near future would hold.

It is so easy to move ourselves into this overpopulated prison. There is always something bigger, better, nicer, newer, trendier that we want. A new house. A new spouse. A new hairstyle. A new gene pool. A new TV. A new vehicle. A compliant child who hangs on our every word, never rolls his/her eyes, and holds the belief that parents still possess some viable brain cells. A miracle drug that will instantly (and without any effort on our part, of course!) melt away ____ pounds (You get to fill in the desired number). You get the idea. It is the "I will be happier when" syndrome.

During my years as an Air Force nurse, I met plenty of people who voluntarily took up residence in the prison of want. They always whined that it had been better at their last assignment, or eagerly anticipated that it would be better at their future assignment. But, they were never (I repeat, never) happy at their present assignment. They constantly lugged around that overstuffed duffel bag which contained the extremely heavy burden of discontent. I have no doubt that we have all carried that same bag at one time or another in our lives.

Check out what Paul says in Philippians, chapter four. He had learned to be content in all circumstances. Paul had experienced times of being in need, as well as those of having plenty. He shared about this just prior to writing the verse which is a favorite of so many. We draw strength and courage from this verse during the trials of our lives. Yes, it is Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I am claiming that one during this time in my life.

I am learning more than ever that my joy does not depend on my life circumstances. There is a leper on the island of Tobago who agrees. Lucado wrote about a short-term missionary who was leading worship in a leper colony. As he asked if anyone had a favorite song, "a woman turned around, and he saw the most disfigured face he'd ever seen. She had no ears and no nose. Her lips were gone. But she raised a fingerless hand and asked, 'Could we sing Count Your Many Blessings?'

What was it that I was grumbling and whining about as I sit in my self-created cell of discontent? Wait. Something is happening to my hand. I feel my fingers loosening from around the handle of the heavy duffel bag which contains that burden of discontent. Is it really possible that I am already feeling lighter?

Psalm 142:7 - "Set me free from my prison, that I may praise Your name."

Would anyone out there be willing to leave the baggage and join me outside of our prison walls? As we walk together into the courtyard, we take in a deep breath. The fresh, clean air infiltrates our lungs. Let's join hands and sing all four verses of.....You guessed it....."Count Your Many Blessings".