The Journey

On this morning, I am sitting at a table on the 19th floor balcony. The "power tool workers" have either gone on strike, finished with the loud part of the pool project, or are off on Saturdays. Whatever the case, I am grateful for this balcony time when I can soak in the soothing song of the ocean.

Since the weather is unseasonably warm, people are starting to gather on the beach....a little girl wearing a pink shirt walks beside her daddy and occasionally stops to bend down and examine a pretty seashell....a little boy runs toward the ocean to gather water in his sand bucket...a daddy is holding his toddler's hand tightly so the child does not fall in the sand or wander into the crashing ocean waves...the sounds of laughter....couples of all ages walking without a specific destination....individuals jogging or walking alone.

As I watch from my 19th floor balcony "perch", I see life and hear the sounds of life. And, I am reminded that life is precious.

On this last day of March in 2010, I had no idea that I was carrying a small malignant tumor in my body. No idea that, on the next day, I would receive a call that would forever change my outlook on life.

The days that followed that phone call were filled with the emotions that go along with surgery, radiation, and uncertainty. At the same time, I was dealing with emotions that accompanied watching my husband leave after 28 years of marriage. I would think I was coping fine, then would find myself crying while lying very still on a table as radiation filled the cavity that had housed the small tumor.

During those radiation treatments, I listened to a piano CD that I had recorded a couple of years prior to that time. Before recording those songs of the faith, I had prayed that God would use the CD to minister and comfort at just the right time. Only God knew that the CD would comfort me during some very dark days. After completing my round of high dose radiation treatments, I left the CD in the radiation center in hopes that it would comfort others who would travel the same path in future days.

Tomorrow I will be a two year cancer survivor. It feels so good to write those words! I am very aware that many have had a much more difficult path during their cancer journey. But, I am grateful for my journey. And, on this day, I am thankful for the gift of life.

John 10:10b - I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (more abundantly).

Psalm 139:14a - I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Psalm 139:16 - All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

Lord, thank you for the journey, and for the gift of life.

Numbing Noise

On this Friday morning, I am sitting at a table in a room on the 19th floor. And, I am watching the majestic ocean waves through closed glass doors. Normally, I would be reading or writing while sitting at a table on the balcony, and the song of the waves would soothe my soul. But, there is a maddening noise that has thwarted that peaceful possibility. Specifically, the grating sound of power tools as an outdoor pool is being constructed. The workers and their noisy tools seem to be busy from morning until night as they are diligently moving forward on this project which I have, truthfully, resented. A dear friend offered to pray for a workers' strike. Not a bad idea!

As my son says, "Whoa!! Hold on!" I am feeling resentful of the incessant noise that others create. And, it occurs to me that I sometimes intentionally surround myself with noise and activity and busyness. Is that my way of numbing or avoiding my pain?

After almost two years of legal separation, my divorce was final eight days ago. Even though I knew that day was coming, it still felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach when I sat at my dining room table and read the notarized divorce papers which had been signed by a judge who probably signs divorce papers every day. While caring friends were saying, "Let's celebrate!", I was feeling like a death had occurred.... Death of a marriage.... Death of "til death do us part."

A time will come when I celebrate the beginning of a new chapter in my life. But, for now, I grieve. While it is easier to surround myself with noise and busyness, I need to allow myself to feel the unedited version of how I really feel. No pretending that I have it all together. There are haunting questions like, "Was I not good enough?" and "Could I have done more to make our marriage last for a lifetime?" While I won't dwell on those questions forever, I must face them. "Anesthesia" such as food, activity, noise, sleep, and work will numb my pain for a limited amount of time. But, only waking up and facing my grief will allow me to move forward in my life journey.

Author Steven James writes that we cannot expect the visible to heal the invisible. A damaged soul can only be bandaged by God's hand.

"So I lay myself before You:

a damaged heart in need of repair,

an empty vessel needing to be filled,

an aching soul needing to be healed."

(from "A Heart Exposed" by Steven James)

Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Lord, I feel like someone is using sandpaper to scrape the open wound of my heart. Thank you for staying close in the midst of my noisy and hurried life. Help me to face my pain and to feel Your presence.

Clowns and Shakers

On this night, thirty years ago, I had been married for just a few hours. And, on this night in 2012, I have no words of wisdom or advice.

Even though this has been a busy day, it has been a time of introspection and pondering. Jumbled thoughts dance through my head tonight as I travel back to 1982. During a time of no cell phones or internet, we planned a wedding from 1100 miles away. Dress patterns and soft blue material were mailed to all of the bridesmaids who were either in North Carolina, or would be traveling from as far as Florida, Texas, and New Mexico. Family and friends served as gracious and willing hosts for the wedding party members who had traveled long distances. The groom wore his formal Air Force uniform, the best man sported his formal Army uniform, and the groomsmen wore black suits with striped ties. Since I was an Air Force officer, I briefly entertained the thought of wearing my formal uniform, but opted for a beautiful white wedding dress which made me feel like a princess. My tall, handsome daddy wore his best dark suit, and proudly walked me down the aisle. Before entering the room, I remember holding my daddy's arm and standing in awe of the elegant sanctuary which was lit by hundreds of glowing white candles.

Even after all of these years, it touches me that so many people volunteered to help make the wedding weekend a memorable occasion. A dear lady in my home church decorated the sanctuary with greenery as a wedding gift. Another precious family friend made the wedding cake and matching sheet cakes as a wedding gift. The white icing with red roses perfectly matched my wedding bouquet. My sweet Mama made the food for the reception, and was available for whatever needed to be done. Bridal showers were hosted, and net rice bags were made and filled. The church choir sounded like angels as they sang "The Majesty and Glory of Your Name" from the balcony of the sanctuary.

One of my sisters bought dolls, and sewed wedding outfits for them. The groom doll was a clown which would fit right into my clown collection. My youngest sister, who was about 11 years-old at that time, gave me a salt and pepper shaker set which consisted of a boy and girl clown. The girl clown was holding a red umbrella, while the boy clown was holding a blue balloon. I remember that my sister cried because she thought the salt and pepper shakers were not as nice as other gifts that we received. Joy, you had a kind and generous heart then, just as you do now. Some of the other gifts have been long forgotten. But, your gift from the heart will always be remembered.

We had many wonderful years, and in 1992 were blessed with a precious son who is now in college 400 miles away and continues to be a joy in my life.

In just a few days, the divorce will be final. To be quite honest, I am not sure how we got from where we were in 1982 to where we are now. But, as I sit here with my bride and groom dolls and my little clown shaker set, I know that I have been blessed.....and I would do it again.