Last Day on the Balcony

Words from a handwritten journal on my last day on the balcony:

I am sitting on the balcony again on my last morning here at the beach. From my 8th floor "perch", I can see families, couples, "snowbirds" who live at the beach several months of the year, people walking their dogs, shell and sharks' teeth seekers, and an occasional person walking alone by the sea.

In about an hour, this relaxing and renewing time will be a wonderful memory as I return to the responsibilities that wait for me at home. But, I am grateful for this gift of time with Rob, and for the quiet moments that I have had to be still and feel Your presence. Help me to slow down in my everyday world so that I will hear Your voice as You lead me in the days ahead.

Psalm 16:7a - I will praise the Lord Who counsels me.

Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths (make your paths straight).

Proverbs 2:3-5 - And if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

Lord, I am trusting You, leaning on You, and acknowledging You as the one Who created everything and Who is in control of everything. Thank You for directing my path. I am calling out for insight and crying aloud for understanding.

Show me the way.

From the Balcony...

On this 29th day of December, I am thinking about some verses in the 29th chapter of Jeremiah:

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Lord, I am so glad that You know the plans that You have for me. You didn't say that You think You know, or that You may know. Even though I don't know Your plan for this next chapter of my life, it is a comfort that You know.

Jeremiah 29:12 - Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.

Lord, I am calling on You, and coming to You, and praying to You. In this world, there is a lot more talking than listening. Thank You for listening and hearing my heart, even when I can't find the words.

Jeremiah 29:13 - You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

On this morning, I am sitting at a table on an 8th floor balcony which overlooks the ocean. As I listen to the crashing waves, I am overwhelmed by the majesty and magnitude of Your creation. And, from this balcony, I am seeking You with all my heart.

Jeremiah 29:14 - I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity.

Lord, am I in captivity? Have I created a prison for myself? Perhaps a prison of comfort and mediocrity? Have I limited Your plans for me by remaining in my self-constructed cell? If I have become comfortable in a prison cell, then I am ready to break free!

Psalm 142:7 - Set me free from my prison, that I may praise Your name.

Psalm 143:8 - Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul.

From this balcony, I have just watched six people riding on horseback by the ocean. What a beautiful sight! Five horses and riders stayed on the safe, dry sand. But, the horse that caught my attention was the one that danced in the ocean waves with abandon, free of fear.

Lord, help me to dance with abandon in the beauty of Your creation, free of fear. Just as the ocean is singing a majestic song to me on this morning, let my life be a song of praise to You.

Vision

On this peaceful December morning, I feel nudged to share the thoughts that I have journaled. Perhaps sharing will help me as I walk through this new chapter of my life. And, just maybe someone else will be able to relate. Psalm 139 is my favorite chapter in the Bible. On this morning, it is on my heart.

Psalm 139: 5 - You hem me in - behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me.

Lord, thank You for hemming me in with Your protection.

Psalm 139:9-10 - If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.

Lord, as I am writing, I am looking across the ocean to the horizon. As You well know, I lived on the far side of the sea in Germany for seven months of my life. Just as You guided me in Germany twenty years ago, I know that You are guiding me now. Even though my human eyes can only see a finite distance, You are all-seeing. Your vision is infinite. You are near-sighted and far-sighted. My aging, far-sighted eyes cannot compare to Your eyes that see everything, even before it is there.

Psalm 139:16 - All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

Lord, You knew that I would be at the beach with my 19 year-old son on this beautiful, sunny day in December. As he is sleeping on this quiet morning, I am searching for what You have in store for me during this new chapter of my life. And, it is no surprise to You that I am searching. I want to serve You.

So, please show me what You have in mind for me. You already know that I have given up something that I have loved doing for 17 years. My hands, mind, and heart are open to serve You. I get very comfortable with the familiar. But, I know that You will reveal Your will in Your perfect timing if I will be quiet and listen. And, You already know that being quiet and still do not come naturally to me!

Psalm 139:23-24 - Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Take my life, lead me Lord;

Take my life, lead me Lord;

Make my life useful for Thee.

He leadeth me, He leadeth me;

By His own hand, He leadeth me.

His faithful follower I would be;

For by His hand, He leadeth me.

Lead me, Lord. And, give me eyes to see what You have for me during this time in my life.

Fix

On this day, I have been thinking about the many ways we use the word "fix". Fixed income....Fixin' to go to the store....I am in a fix....Fixing dinner....I had my dog fixed....Fish and fixings....Fixing the car....Getting our fix of fried food....Fixing our eyes on a prize. You get the idea.

We learn early that there are some things that cannot be fixed (repaired). Remember Humpty Dumpty? All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again after he experienced his great fall. In other words, they could not fix him.

During the last few days, it has come to mind that some things can be fixed, while others are beyond repair. After the bridge fell out of my mouth last week, the dentist fixed it by using adhesive cement to re-attach the bridge. However, when my glasses frames broke this week, I was told that they were not "fixable". So, I am now wearing broken glasses as I wait for the new frames to come in.

I am currently participating in a Divorce Care class which consists of a film series, personal study in the Bible and a workbook, and group discussion which is led by a facilitator. The Bible study for today emphasized that God wants to see me healed. Jeremiah 30:17 is a comfort as God promises to restore health and heal wounds. During our group session this week, I was reminded that the presence of God is the key to my healing. Only God can heal (fix) broken hearts, severed souls, and ripped relationships. A broken heart can only be healed by the One who made it. That brings to mind a Point of Grace song which says, "Heal the wound, but leave the scar. A reminder of how merciful You are."

Living with bitterness and hardened hearts can be like residing in a self-made prison. I have returned, on many occasions, to Psalm 142:7 - "Set me free from my prison that I may praise Your name." Even when a relationship is not restored, God can fix hearts and attitudes.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." Hebrews 12:2a

"Change my heart, O God; Make it ever true.

Change my heart, O God; May I be like You."

Lord, fix me.

Shedding the Grave Clothes

My last blog posting was written on Good Friday, and I left Jesus in the tomb. But, I am thankful beyond what mere words can express that He did not remain there! As the old hymn says, "He arose! He arose! Hallelujah! Christ arose!" Because of Christ' resurrection, we can also experience a resurrected life. Accepting or rejecting that full, abundant life is a choice that we must make.

Some questions come to mind: Am I living a "resurrected" life? Do I sometimes get so buried in the tomb of busyness, survival, and life circumstances that I forget that I am free?

Let's take a look at another resurrection. When Lazarus was raised from the dead, he walked out of the tomb, still wrapped in his grave clothes. Jesus immediately said, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go." (John 11:44)

Lazarus was alive from the moment that Jesus commanded, "Lazarus, come forth!" But, he was not truly free to live until the grave clothes were removed.

Is it possible that we sometimes trudge along with our hands, feet, and face still wrapped in the old grave clothes? And, is it possible that we even tend to get comfortable in our old grave clothes when God has a new "wardrobe" set out for us to wear? Perhaps some of those "grave clothes" are old ways of thinking, a struggle with addictions, lack of trust that God will keep His promise to provide our needs, fear of being alone or of moving out of our comfort zone into the next chapter that God has in store for us. You may have some of your own ideas about the definition of "grave clothes".

Lord, give me the strength and courage to live the resurrected life that You offer to me. Help me to shed the old grave clothes and bravely embark on the journey that You have for me during this risen chapter of my life.

Time for me to check out my new "wardrobe". These grave clothes are going in the trash, never to be resurrected again!

Sacrificial Love

On this Good Friday, I read the scriptures about the Last Supper, Jesus' prayer on the Mount of Olives, the arrest, Peter's denial, the trial, the crucifixion, Jesus' death, and His burial. As I glanced out the window during that quiet time, it somehow seemed fitting that this was a dark, rainy day. And, while my desire was to continue (as I know that the victorious resurrection follows!), I chose to stop reading as a way of symbolically leaving Jesus in the tomb. And, somehow, that allowed me to feel the sorrow and despair of those who were there on that crucifixion day... Mary (the mother of Jesus), Mary Magdalene, John, and others who loved and followed Jesus.

When I lived in New Mexico, there was a year when our church choir presented the Easter musical/drama in two parts. And, of course, one needed to attend both segments to hear the entire story! On Good Friday, we portrayed the events which led up to the crucifixion, and then left Jesus in the tomb. Even though I was very familiar with "the rest of the story", I felt deep sadness and grief as we departed in silence on that Friday night. But, we gathered again on Sunday morning for the portrayal of the resurrection. What a joyful, jubilant Easter celebration it was as we watched Jesus conquer death and the grave!

As I read during this week before Easter, my eyes were opened to how faithful Mary Magdalene was to Jesus. She washed His feet with her tears, watched His miracles, listened to His parables, and anointed His head with oil.

While others were criticizing Mary Magdalene, Jesus offered her the gift of forgiveness and defended her sacrificial acts of kindness and love. Even when eleven of the disciples had fled on Jesus' darkest day, Mary Magdalene was there at the cross with Mary, John, and the jeering crowd.

Mary Magdalene's faithfulness inspires me to examine my own heart. Would I have been there at the cross on that crucifixion day? Or would I have fled out of fear and perhaps even denied that I knew Jesus?

Lord, help me to be faithful and to have the sacrificial heart of Mary Magdalene. And, even when criticism comes, help me to faithfully serve You without fear.

Hunger and Thirst

A few weeks ago, I observed a most unusual dove which was perched on an eighth floor balcony. It was the fattest and most beautiful dove I had ever seen. The feather thickness and colors around its neck reminded me of a purple and black feather boa.

As I continued to watch this gorgeous feathered friend through the glass, I decided to name her Delilah, even though I was quite aware that it could be a male dove. Delilah appeared to have a great sense of fashion (speaking of the purple and black feather boa, of course!) and did not appear to have a care in the world. One could assume that she had the perfect dove life. But, I started to wonder about how old Delilah was, and about where she had flown in her lifetime. Was this her hometown? What life experiences would she tell me about if she could talk to me? Had she ever been in love? Had another dove ever hurt her? What dove drama had been a part of her life?

It may seem ridiculous to spend time pondering dove dilemmas. And, I don't know that anyone gathers dove data such as that. But, is it possible that we could be a lot like that dove? The very one who appears to have it all together with her high sense of fashion may be the one who is dying on the inside due to physical, emotional, or spiritual struggles.

We have all heard the old saying about not judging a book by its cover. But, do we heed that advice? It is so easy to be guilty of jumping to conclusions based on the outward appearance..."Oh, she has it all. She's thin, intelligent, has perfect children, and an adoring husband." But, if we were behind closed doors, we might learn that things are not always as they seem to be on the surface.

The person who appears to be well nourished may be absolutely starving on the inside. And, that internal "hunger" cannot be satisfied with food that is humanly prepared for the physical body. Only God can satisfy the hunger and thirst that have not been previously satisfied by any other means. Ask the Samaritan woman. She must have been a physically attractive woman, as she had been married many times, and was currently with a man who was not her husband. But, she was spiritually starving.

My mind wanders to the death of a movie "legend" during the last week. She was known for her physical beauty, and had been married multiple times. She had all of the material possessions that she could ever want in this world. But, I wonder if she was starving on the inside as the Samaritan woman was until she met Jesus.

To satisfy our spiritual hunger and thirst, we must meet Jesus. And, we must accept the life-giving food and water that He offers so freely to us. The best part is His promise that we will never hunger or thirst again. And, Jesus is faithful to keep His promises.

"Fill my cup, Lord. I lift it up, Lord. Come and quench this thirsting of my soul. Bread of Heaven, feed me 'til I want no more. Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole."

"His eye is on the sparrow (and the dove!), and I know He watches me."

Wind and Wishes

As a young girl in elementary school, I always looked forward to the time just prior to Feb 14. During those days, we made and decorated folders which would serve as mailboxes for the cards that would be personally delivered by our classmates. At the end of the day on Feb 14, we were allowed to take our folders home where we would happily read our valentines over and over.

On a particularly windy Valentine's Day, I was walking home from school, feeling very elated about all of the cards that I had received. Suddenly, a gust of wind "grabbed" my valentine folder, sending all of the treasured valentines into a flying frenzy. I watched in disbelief as the cards blew away. My walk turned into a run, and I cried over my loss all the way home.

After I had wept and told the story to my mom, the doorbell rang. It was a welcomed sight to see two of my little classmates beaming and holding my valentine cards. From their homes, they had watched what happened, and had run all over the neighborhood in an attempt to gather as many cards as they could find.

At this point in my life, I cannot remember the names of the friends who delivered those cards to their weeping classmate. But, I can say, without a doubt, that it felt like love to me.

Fast forward with me to May of 2007. Rob was staying at my parents' home for the evening while Bob and I were enjoying a date night at a local steakhouse. As we were eating, I said, "I wish we could take a walk on the beach after dinner." Over the last few days, I had longed to hear the sounds of the ocean, but had not mentioned that to anyone. When I made that comment, I was just thinking out loud that it would be nice to walk on the beach if there was a beach nearby. Bob looked across the table at me and said, "Let's do it." I thought he was kidding around. But, I quickly learned that Bob was dead serious.

The practical side of me came out as I thought about it being a 4 1/2 hour drive, and that I would need to be back to play for the service at church the next morning. When I asked again if Bob was kidding, he said that this was a one-night, spontaneous offer. If it would make me happy to walk on the beach, then he would make that walk happen. Tears welled up in my eyes when he said that, as I felt valued and knew that Bob wanted to do something special for me.

After arranging for Rob to spend the night with my parents, we left for the beach at 9:15pm. And, after a 4 1/2 hour drive, we arrived at Wrightsville Beach at 1:45am. What a special time we had as we rolled up our pants legs, held hands, got our feet wet in the ocean, and picked up some shells. The sounds of the ocean were like a soothing balm to my soul. 45 minutes later, we got in the car and headed toward home. I slept a little on the way back as Bob drove through the night. We arrived at home at 7:00am. After a quick nap, I got ready to play for the Memorial Day service at our church.

That spontaneous trip to walk on the beach and to hear the sounds of the ocean is a memory that will forever be dear to my heart. Most of all, it meant the world that Bob cared enough to hear the longing in my voice and to grant a desire of my heart.

Three years later, Bob moved away to start a new life. It feels like our hopes and dreams for the future have blown away in a gust of wind as the valentines did many years ago. But, on that night in 2007, it felt like love to me.

Coming to Me

During this month of February, I am thinking of people who have demonstrated love to me in various ways throughout the years. The first person I would like to share about is my mother.

It would be impossible to count the number of times that my mom has shown visible love to me over the last 55 years. So, I will try to narrow it down to an event that occurred about 30 years ago, and another that happened on this very day.

In March of 1981, I was honored to be in the wedding of a dear friend of mine in Florida. At that time, I was stationed in Texas, and my parents were still in our home state of North Carolina. A bridesmaids' luncheon was scheduled as part of the wedding festivities, and it was to be a mother/daughter event. I felt a sense of sadness that I would be the only one without a mom at the luncheon.

On the morning of the event, there came a knock at the bride's door. To my astonishment, there stood my mom and dad, and I heard my mom say, "Is there someone who needs a mother to go with her to a mother/daughter luncheon today?" Of course, my dad gets some credit here too, as he had driven through the night to get my mom there in time for the luncheon. As I stood there in amazement, I knew that I had never seen anything as beautiful or received such a wonderful gift as their presence on that morning. And, there was no one attending the luncheon on that day who was more proud to have her mother there with her.

Now let's fast forward thirty years to this day. I called my mom early this morning to ask her to pray for me as I was struggling with some lower back pain. She knew that, if I was neither playing the piano for the monthly Air National Guard chapel service nor the worship services at my church, then I was in a great deal of pain. On a normal Sunday, I stop by my parents' home after the evening service to visit and have leftovers from their delicious Sunday lunch. As we talked by phone, I told my mom that I didn't think I would be able to drive over there this evening due to the back pain.

After a short time, my mom called me back to say that she would be bringing me a plate of food later in the afternoon. Again, it was a beautiful sight to see her at my front door. And, she didn't just come by to drop off the food and leave. Mama sat with me and visited while I enjoyed her company and her wonderful home-cooked meal. We laughed about the squirrels that were also having lunch outside (and who were not sharing very well, to say the least!). It was a special time with Mama on a day when I truly needed her presence.

The similarity that stands out in my mind is that, on these two occasions, my mother came to me when I could not get to her. And, she represented Jesus Who also came to us when we could not get to Him.

I am reminded of a question that is asked of the King in the book of Matthew.

"Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You something to drink?" The King's answer was that, when these acts of kindness were done for the least of these, they were done for Him.

Mama, thank you for coming to me when I could not get to you, for representing Jesus, and for serving Him as you continue to serve others.

Proverbs 31:28a - "Her children arise and call her blessed..."

Lord, thank you for the priceless gift of a Christian mother.

Whispers and Shouts

On this night, I am pondering a short excerpt that I just read from "A Heart Exposed" by Steven James. It is a question that the author asks of Jesus: "Why do I think my life should be filled with cream and cookies when Yours was filled with blood and tears?" That question is penetrating the very depths of my soul.

Some who read this will know that 2010 was a roller coaster year for me, physically and emotionally. As I continue to travel through this time of healing, it seems that the world is shouting in one ear while God is whispering in the other. The world shouts, "You have every right to be angry! You were abandoned at a vulnerable time in your life!" God whispers, "Trust in Me. I will never leave you or forsake you." The world shouts, "What was he thinking!?!? There was no excuse to desert you after 28 years of marriage!!" God whispers, "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The Holy Spirit keeps assuring me that there is something in my future that I cannot see. And, I believe with all my heart that the events of 2010 had to happen in order to prepare me for whatever God has planned for me a little further down the road. If God had been finished with me, I am convinced that He would not have cured me of the breast cancer. It feels good to be a nine month cancer survivor!

In 1 Kings 19, Elijah was instructed to go out and stand on the mountain because God was about to pass by. A mighty wind, an earthquake, and a raging fire came. But, God was not to be found in any of those shattering events. However, after the fire, God chose to reveal Himself in a gentle whisper. If Elijah had not been listening, he would have missed the very presence of God.

Do I live in a "cream and cookies" world? Absolutely not! But, my desire is that I will listen to the gentle whispers, and that I will tune out the shouts of the world. After all, I would not want to miss God's presence.

While the loud, shouting world encourages me to live in the turbulent sea of bitterness, Jesus gazes into the crashing waves of my soul and says, "Peace, be still."

"The wind and the waves shall obey My will. Peace, be still. Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea, or demons, or men, or whatever it be; No water can swallow the ship where lies the Master of ocean and earth and skies. They all shall sweetly obey My will; Peace, be still." (chorus of "Peace, Be Still" by Baker and Palmer)

Lord, help me to be listening for Your gentle whisper.

Dadquest Directions

It is not an uncommon thing for one to mapquest a destination by going to the computer and typing in the starting address and the destination address. As if by magic, the directions appear on the screen and can be printed out to take on one's journey.

When I started driving, I did not have the luxury of a computer or of mapquest directions. However, I was blessed to have what I will refer to as "Dadquest" directions. My dad was a truck driver for 32 years, was an excellent map reader, and had my full confidence that he could get himself (or anyone else, for that matter) wherever he might want to travel in the United States.

Over the years, an important part of every journey preparation was to ask Daddy to look at the map with me. After studying the map, he would write out the best route. I always trusted that Daddy was guiding me in the right direction. And, I can honestly say that he never steered me on the wrong path , even when he wrote out the 1100 mile route to Texas when I entered the Air Force in 1978.

Daddy is now 85 years-old, and he is still giving directions. This came to mind yesterday when he rode with a painter friend to my house. I live 15 miles from my parents. But, Daddy does not show up on my doorstep very often, as all of his children and grandchildren are in and out of his house in a manner similar to Grand Central Station. And, that is the way he likes it. But, on this beautiful, sunny Saturday afternoon, Daddy rode with his friend to my house so he could give directions and make sure that the painter arrived at the correct destination.

In a similar way, our Heavenly Father wants us to go to Him as we prepare for our life journeys. We are wise if we ask Him to look at the map and write out the best route for us. And, we are even wiser if we choose to follow His written directions. The truth is that He has already given us written directions in His Word. It is up to us to trust our Heavenly Father enough to stay on the course that He has written out for us to follow.

If I had decided to ignore my "Dadquest" directions in 1978, I may have arrived in California instead of Texas. Choosing to ignore God's directions can result in our arrival at a place where we truly do not want to be. If you don't believe me, just ask the Prodigal Son.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

"So be careful to do what the Lord your God has commanded you; do not turn aside to the right or to the left." (Deuteronomy 5:32)

Heavenly Father, help me to follow the directions that You have written out for my life journey.

God's Banking

As a young child, I loved going to the bank. It was such a thrill when my sister and I were taken to the downtown branch of our local bank to open our very own savings accounts. We were each given a small green book which would help us keep track of how much money we had in the bank. Over the years, as we saved up some of our own money from our allowances, we would go on exciting journeys to the bank to deposit it into our accounts. The little green books accompanied us on every bank adventure. The bank employee would stamp the date in our little green books, and then would write in the amount of our deposit and our balance. Even though I didn't quite grasp the concept of interest or dividends, I loved the fact that my money was growing.

Travel with me to November 7, 1999. My 7 year-old son, Rob, was riding with me to church on that Sunday morning which happened to be my birthday. His financial goal, for a long time, had been to save fifty dollars so he could take it to the bank and exchange his money for a fifty dollar bill.

He had finally reached that goal during the previous week, and was so proud of his crisp fifty dollar bill.

As we turned into the church parking lot, Rob confided, "Dad had to borrow my fifty dollar bill. He was low on money, and we wanted to get you a birthday present. Dad will pay me back on Wednesday when he gets paid." I immediately felt the tears welling up in my eyes as I thought of Bob having to borrow Rob's money that he had saved for so long. However, my sadness turned to laughter as Rob continued, "I will give him a two-day grace period to pay me back. After Friday, it will be $5.00 more for each day!"

It occurs to me that I still enjoy going to the bank, even though most transactions today can be done online. Maybe it is just more personal to make a trip to the bank. Or, maybe it brings back good memories of those simple days when I traveled with my family and my beloved little green bank book.

In a similar way, we make small deposits throughout each day. Those deposits may come in the form of a listening ear or a kind, encouraging word.

If we are even aware of the deposits, they may seem small to us. But, in God's timing, He will use those efforts and will make those deposits grow.

Just as I did not quite understand the concept of interest or dividends as a child, we cannot completely understand God's system of "banking". But, just as Rob offered a grace period to his dad, God offers His grace to us. As we receive that grace, we begin to grow.

2 Peter 3:18 - But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To Him be glory both now and forever! Amen.