Expectations

It has been three weeks since I took my son, Rob, to American University in Washington, DC. As I walk through this new chapter of life, I am thinking that it might be therapeutic to record some memories. So, here is one from 1999:

Rob was 7 years-old, and had slept in later than usual since he was out of school for Veterans' Day. At 11:30pm he was having difficulty falling asleep.

I finally laid down beside him in the darkness of his room. Five to ten minutes of quietness passed, and I thought that Rob had finally fallen asleep.

Suddenly, I heard a little voice next to me saying, "Mom, there is something that I have to tell you." I replied, "What is it?". Rob said, "I think I know how to spell expectation." He spelled it for me, and I assured him that he was correct. Then he immediately fell asleep.

How many times do we lie in bed for a "spell" (pun intended!:), thinking about expectations? Did I accomplish everything that I expected that I would accomplish on that day? It is so easy to get caught up in what others expect of us, and what we expect of ourselves when what really matters is what God expects of us. And, that is outlined in His Word.

I have always been a "list person". The confession is that I sometimes write down a task that I have already accomplished so that I can immediately check it off. How crazy is that?! I suppose that some of us thrive on that feeling of accomplishment. But, life is more than a series of "to do" lists. It might surprise my son to read that as he has gone through years of "Rob Job" lists. Those were my expectations of him after his homework was completed. And, sharing responsibilities is part of being a family.

However, God does not want us to live in a prison of guilt because of an unmet expectation that we placed on ourselves, or that we allowed (yes, we gave them permission) someone else to place on us.

An old hymn of the faith says, "Give of your best to the Master." If our best did not include getting everything done on our "to do" list, then maybe we need to give ourselves a break. Perhaps we need to put down that heavy bag of expectations for a "spell". We may decide that we don't want to pick it up again.

Matthew 11:28 - Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened (Jill's note - weary and burdened from expectations?), and I will give you rest.

Lord, I know that You are beside me in the darkness and quietness of the night. Help me to say, "Father, there is something that I have to tell You." I know that You will reply, "What is it, my child?" After I tell You what is on my mind, help me to rest in You.

Obstacles and Chains

I have been reading again in "A Heart Exposed ..Talking to God with Nothing to Hide". Here are some excerpts that spoke to me on this night:

"We are sky children

lost in the valley,

looking for the trail

back up the hill."

"Somehow I've managed to convince myself that all of these chains I drape over my soul are really necklaces to happiness."

"It's hard to have perspective when the prison feels so much like home."

Psalm 142:7 - Set me free from my prison, that I may praise Your name."

What is my prison? Anger? Disappointment? Resentment? An unforgiving heart? Bingo!

As I was driving today, I heard a short segment of a sermon on the Christian radio station. From what I could gather, the pastor was talking about obstacles in our spiritual lives. At the risk of no one believing me, I am going to share the words that jumped from the radio to my soul: "Maybe you have not forgiven Bob." Yes, he actually said that! Then the pastor proceeded to give other examples of names that may not have been forgiven.

Those words brought to mind a conversation that took place in my home several years ago as Bob was preparing to travel to his daughter's wedding which was taking place in Texas. I felt prompted to ask Bob if he had forgiven his ex-wife who would be at the wedding. Even though they had been divorced for over thirty years, it occurred to me that the greatest gift Bob could give his daughter was to forgive her mother. Bob assured me that he had forgiven her many years ago.

Fast forward to the present. Now it is time for me to examine my own heart. Just maybe it is possible that I have not forgiven Bob for leaving at a critical time in my life. Even though he did not know that I would be diagnosed with breast cancer just a few weeks after he made the decision to leave, I must admit that I sometimes felt abandoned by him as I was driving alone twice each day for the radiation treatments. But, God was good as He always provided the perfect song on the radio, or a kind, encouraging word at just the right time.

So......I am choosing to forgive, as that is the best gift that I can give myself and my son. And, I hope that Bob will forgive me for anything that I did to contribute to the dissolving of our marriage.

Now excuse me while I go unravel some chains from around my soul.

Ephesians 4:32 - "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Singing and Soaring

Psalm 144:9a - "I will sing a new song to You, O God.."

I am on the brink of yet another new chapter in my life. And, so is my son. We had such a special weekend at the beach. It was refreshing to be away from the things which have the potential to keep us from spending time together...computers, work, other people, overfilled schedules.

Spending quality time with Rob has been a priority for many years. In fact, we started our Tuesday "date night" tradition when he was in the early elementary school years. Since Bob had his weekly fire department meeting on Tuesday nights, it was the perfect opportunity for Rob and me to set aside that time for each other. Our time together did not include anything fancy or expensive. We would usually go out for dinner. And, the time was most important....not the specifics of what we did during that time.

Tomorrow I will be taking my son to American University in Washington, DC.

And, for the first time, he will not be coming home from school at the end of the day. Rob is very excited and understandably apprehensive as this is a huge step for him. I am also excited for Rob, and am doing everything I can to help make this new life experience happen for him. But, I must confess that this is a bittersweet time as I watch my only child spread his wings. As Rob becomes an American eagle (yes, the eagle is the university mascot!), I want him to soar. But, this mom's confession is that I am dreading the moment when I get in my car and drive home without Rob. And, I am dreading the moment when I walk in the front door of our home, knowing that Rob will not be coming in and out of that same door for several months.

I dread walking into his bedroom and seeing all of the things that remind me of my beloved son. Those may sound like selfish thoughts. But, they are my thoughts, nonetheless. A wise friend reminded me that Rob is not going to the moon, and that I will see him again. But, I must say that it feels like he is traveling to the moon.

Back to the song....I want to find the song that God has for me during this time of my life. Even on those melancholy days which will surely come, I know that God will give me a new song, just as He will have a new song for Rob. I pray that God will cover Rob and me with His protective, comforting wings.

Psalm 91:4a - "He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge."

Psalm 91:11 - "For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways."

Lord, help me to depend on You for my song during the days ahead, especially on those days when I cannot hear the music. Help me to hope in You, and help Rob to turn to You during the challenging days ahead. My desire is that both of us will, in Your strength, sing and soar!

Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."