Faithfulness

On this Thursday morning, I am thinking about God's faithfulness. Two days ago I had surgery during which the surgeon removed a small tumor that had taken up residence in my left breast. While I was under anesthesia, some lymph nodes were removed and tested. What a relief to learn that there was no cancer in the lymph nodes! God is faithful. When I learned, weeks ago, that there was cancer in my body, God was faithful. And, if there had been cancer in the lymph nodes, God would have been faithful to carry me through.

Yesterday a friend reminded me of the words in Lamentations 3:22-23 ...

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

Consumed with what? Worry? Anger? Bitterness? Regret? Disappointment? It would be so easy to be consumed with some of those feelings. But, because of God's great love, we are NOT consumed.

Of course, that scripture brings to mind one of the old hymns of the faith...Great is Thy Faithfulness". One of my favorite lines is "Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not." In plain language, that means "God, You don't change, and Your love never fails." God is faithful to be there. Period.

People change. People leave. But, God promised that He would never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). And, He is faithful to keep His promises.

Yes, God will be faithful to carry me through the days ahead as I heal and then go through the radiation treatments. And, it is a comfort to know that no one can snatch me out of my Father's hands (John 10:29).

Note: I encourage you to go to lesleyheartspeaks.blogspot.com as my friend has written a recent posting which encourages us to be faithful about getting our screening mammograms. You will not be surprised that I am in complete agreement about that. A lady recently said to me that she is negligent about getting her mammograms because "what I don't know won't hurt me." The truth is that what we don't know can kill us. So, make yourself a priority and schedule that mammogram if you are due for one.

Health Update

Since there are folks who are keeping up with my health updates on this blog, here is the latest:

My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, April 20. The surgeon plans to do a lumpectomy. He will also make an additional incision under my arm for the purpose of removing several key lymph nodes which will be tested while I am still under anesthesia. If the nodes are not clear (of cancer), the surgeon will remove all of the lymph nodes from under my left arm and will insert a couple of drains. I pray that the lymph nodes will be cancer-free.

The surgeon said that I will need to have radiation for a time after the surgery. But, I will know more details about that later.

One step at a time.

Overpopulated Prisons

I want to update a message that I shared with some friends in September of 2009 as I was reading (yes, again!) in Max Lucado's book entitled "Traveling Light". I was pondering the author's excerpt about the prison of want, otherwise known as the burden of discontent. At that time, I had no idea what the near future would hold.

It is so easy to move ourselves into this overpopulated prison. There is always something bigger, better, nicer, newer, trendier that we want. A new house. A new spouse. A new hairstyle. A new gene pool. A new TV. A new vehicle. A compliant child who hangs on our every word, never rolls his/her eyes, and holds the belief that parents still possess some viable brain cells. A miracle drug that will instantly (and without any effort on our part, of course!) melt away ____ pounds (You get to fill in the desired number). You get the idea. It is the "I will be happier when" syndrome.

During my years as an Air Force nurse, I met plenty of people who voluntarily took up residence in the prison of want. They always whined that it had been better at their last assignment, or eagerly anticipated that it would be better at their future assignment. But, they were never (I repeat, never) happy at their present assignment. They constantly lugged around that overstuffed duffel bag which contained the extremely heavy burden of discontent. I have no doubt that we have all carried that same bag at one time or another in our lives.

Check out what Paul says in Philippians, chapter four. He had learned to be content in all circumstances. Paul had experienced times of being in need, as well as those of having plenty. He shared about this just prior to writing the verse which is a favorite of so many. We draw strength and courage from this verse during the trials of our lives. Yes, it is Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I am claiming that one during this time in my life.

I am learning more than ever that my joy does not depend on my life circumstances. There is a leper on the island of Tobago who agrees. Lucado wrote about a short-term missionary who was leading worship in a leper colony. As he asked if anyone had a favorite song, "a woman turned around, and he saw the most disfigured face he'd ever seen. She had no ears and no nose. Her lips were gone. But she raised a fingerless hand and asked, 'Could we sing Count Your Many Blessings?'

What was it that I was grumbling and whining about as I sit in my self-created cell of discontent? Wait. Something is happening to my hand. I feel my fingers loosening from around the handle of the heavy duffel bag which contains that burden of discontent. Is it really possible that I am already feeling lighter?

Psalm 142:7 - "Set me free from my prison, that I may praise Your name."

Would anyone out there be willing to leave the baggage and join me outside of our prison walls? As we walk together into the courtyard, we take in a deep breath. The fresh, clean air infiltrates our lungs. Let's join hands and sing all four verses of.....You guessed it....."Count Your Many Blessings".

Hidden Canyons

On this night, I am pondering a prayer that I have just read. It is from a book of prayers by Steven James. The title of the book is "A Heart Exposed...Talking to God with Nothing to Hide". A friend sent it to me just days ago. Thank you, Sara. I want to share the prayer that is piercing my soul tonight:

When I actually take the time to look,

I see You've formed thousands of deep rivers

in the hidden canyons of my soul.

But for some reason, when I approach You,

I so often dip my prayers from

such shallow muddy pools instead.

Today, I drop all the religious-sounding platitudes,

the inane repetitions,

and the safe, comfortable shiny prayers

that I typically offer you.

Today I bring you

the rough-cut boulders of my heart.

Here are my nagging questions,

my disquieting loves,

my troubling secrets,

and my very human needs.

I give them all to you today,

no holding back,

no playing it safe.

Here are my unfulfilled longings,

my unmet demands,

my deeply rooted disappointments,

and the things I fear, but pretend to control.

Here, for you, O Savior,

I offer my unquenchable worship,

my wordless groans,

my deepest needs.

No more veneer.

Simply thoughts of pain,

of regret,

of hope,

of You.

Today, I give you the rushing,

tumbling waters of myself.

A New Journey

Yesterday I started on a journey down a road that I have not previously traveled. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Somehow, it helps to say it. Since it was the first day of April, I kept waiting for someone to jump out and say "April Fool!" Oh, how ecstatic I would have been if I had heard those words. But, the words never came. Somehow, the fact that I learned of the diagnosis while standing in the bank seems significant. That was my own choice, as I asked the radiologist to call me with the diagnosis, rather than my taking time to make another trip to the center. At this point, I do not recommend that choice to others. But, I really thought that the word would be that the mass was benign. We always hope for that.

I am very aware that thousands of women have traveled this road. But, this is still my journey. I anticipate that many loved ones will travel with me, whether by their presence, their prayers, their words of encouragement, a loving touch, or a hug. But, I am also very aware that others will not choose to join me on the journey, as they may not know what to do or say. My diagnosis may serve as an uncomfortable reminder that they, too, are vulnerable to this diagnosis of cancer.

There is good news. The tumor is very small (the size of a pea), and was detected very early (Stage I). It is a "lazy" form of cancer, meaning that it is not aggressive or fast growing.

I plan to take one step at a time, and to focus on my health during the days ahead. I like a quote by Mark Twain: "Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it." So, I press on while trusting that God has a plan.

"I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Gentle Friendship

On this night, a lifelong friend is on my heart and on my mind. Since he is not one to draw attention to himself, I am asking for his forgiveness in advance for shining a spotlight on him tonight.

I met this friend when I was about 11 years-old. He lived next door with his beautiful wife and four rambunctious little boys. I would see him arrive at home after he had worked all day. On many evenings, I would show up on their doorstep to ask if Dan could come out to play. He shared the gift of his time by coming over to play basketball with me in my backyard. Even then, I admired his quiet strength, his gentle spirit, and the ever present sparkle in his eyes. He always accepted me for exactly who I was, even during those awkward, pre-teen days.

Eventually, these dear friends moved to another area of town, and I lost my afternoon basketball buddy. But, it was always the same when we got back together, even after I was away serving in the Air Force for many years.

When I retired from the Air Force in 1995, I returned to my home area and became the pianist at the church where Nancy (the one who forgave me for taking her husband's attention after she had been with four little boys all day and desperately needed some relief!) and Dan were members. So, over the last 15 years, we have had many more opportunities to spend time together, and to enjoy conversations at the piano bench where I "reside".

Even tonight, when I learned that Dan is facing some major surgery this week, he took the time to stop by the piano to say a kind word and to give me a gentle hug as he knew that my heart was heavy over some uncertain circumstances of my own.

I want to share a quote that I read tonight:

"I will believe that what God has placed inside me is superior to the mountains that stand in my way." I believe that God will put a quiet, unwavering courage and strength inside of Dan this week. I am praying that this courage and strength will be evident to all who are in his path, and that people will stand in awe of what God chooses to do in the coming days.

Hebrews 4:16 - Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Proverbs 17:17 - A friend loves at all times...

Dan, know that my heart is with you as you face this week. Please get well soon, as an old friend may show up on your doorstep, asking if you can come outside and play. You wouldn't want to disappoint her after all of these years.

The Rest of the Story

I have a confession on this Tuesday morning. I struggle with the concept of rest. Somehow, it just evades my realm of understanding. For example, I am finally propped up on the couch in our living room as I am taking a sick day due to terrible congestion. But, you would be amazed at how long it took me to allow myself to do this. First, I felt that I "had" to finish emptying my suitcase and make-up bag from a weekend trip. (After all, there were just a few things left to be unpacked and put away! ). Then, there was a load of clothes that "had" to be put in the wash. According to me, the dishwasher "had" to be emptied. And, of course, before I propped up on the couch, I "had" to gather things that I might need.....tissues, trash can, books, paper, pen, highlighter, a drink, laptop computer, cell phone.....You get the idea.

As I ate my breakfast, I read Psalm 23. After all of these years, a word jumped off the page and penetrated my being. The word was "make". "He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside the still (quiet) waters, He restores my soul." That spoke to me as it takes someone making me to lie down for me to do it. And, it is no surprise (even to "rest challenged" people like me) that the lying down and resting part of the chapter comes before the part about restoring my soul. How can my soul be restored if I am exhausted from stubbornly refusing to allow myself to rest? Simply put, we need rest in order to be restored. In theory, I "get" that.

But, my lifestyle clearly indicates that I do not.

As I am propped up here in front of a window in my living room, I see that some snowflakes are beginning to fall. It occurs to me that we consider snow to be beautiful when it is just "resting" on the ground. There is no self imposed requirement for the snow to accomplish a certain number of things before it lies there in its blanket of radiance.

There is a loving Shepherd who longs for us to lie down and rest in the pasture that He has carefully and lovingly prepared for us. As Max Lucado points out, "His pasture is His gift to us."

Why is it such a struggle to give ourselves permission to accept this wonderful gift?

As I prepare to have two needle biopsies tomorrow, I am going to make a conscious effort to allow myself to accept the Shepherd's gift of rest.

Psalm 91:1 - He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

As Paul Harvey always said, "That's the rest of the story"!