The Journey

On this morning, I am sitting at a table on the 19th floor balcony. The "power tool workers" have either gone on strike, finished with the loud part of the pool project, or are off on Saturdays. Whatever the case, I am grateful for this balcony time when I can soak in the soothing song of the ocean.

Since the weather is unseasonably warm, people are starting to gather on the beach....a little girl wearing a pink shirt walks beside her daddy and occasionally stops to bend down and examine a pretty seashell....a little boy runs toward the ocean to gather water in his sand bucket...a daddy is holding his toddler's hand tightly so the child does not fall in the sand or wander into the crashing ocean waves...the sounds of laughter....couples of all ages walking without a specific destination....individuals jogging or walking alone.

As I watch from my 19th floor balcony "perch", I see life and hear the sounds of life. And, I am reminded that life is precious.

On this last day of March in 2010, I had no idea that I was carrying a small malignant tumor in my body. No idea that, on the next day, I would receive a call that would forever change my outlook on life.

The days that followed that phone call were filled with the emotions that go along with surgery, radiation, and uncertainty. At the same time, I was dealing with emotions that accompanied watching my husband leave after 28 years of marriage. I would think I was coping fine, then would find myself crying while lying very still on a table as radiation filled the cavity that had housed the small tumor.

During those radiation treatments, I listened to a piano CD that I had recorded a couple of years prior to that time. Before recording those songs of the faith, I had prayed that God would use the CD to minister and comfort at just the right time. Only God knew that the CD would comfort me during some very dark days. After completing my round of high dose radiation treatments, I left the CD in the radiation center in hopes that it would comfort others who would travel the same path in future days.

Tomorrow I will be a two year cancer survivor. It feels so good to write those words! I am very aware that many have had a much more difficult path during their cancer journey. But, I am grateful for my journey. And, on this day, I am thankful for the gift of life.

John 10:10b - I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (more abundantly).

Psalm 139:14a - I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Psalm 139:16 - All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

Lord, thank you for the journey, and for the gift of life.

Numbing Noise

On this Friday morning, I am sitting at a table in a room on the 19th floor. And, I am watching the majestic ocean waves through closed glass doors. Normally, I would be reading or writing while sitting at a table on the balcony, and the song of the waves would soothe my soul. But, there is a maddening noise that has thwarted that peaceful possibility. Specifically, the grating sound of power tools as an outdoor pool is being constructed. The workers and their noisy tools seem to be busy from morning until night as they are diligently moving forward on this project which I have, truthfully, resented. A dear friend offered to pray for a workers' strike. Not a bad idea!

As my son says, "Whoa!! Hold on!" I am feeling resentful of the incessant noise that others create. And, it occurs to me that I sometimes intentionally surround myself with noise and activity and busyness. Is that my way of numbing or avoiding my pain?

After almost two years of legal separation, my divorce was final eight days ago. Even though I knew that day was coming, it still felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach when I sat at my dining room table and read the notarized divorce papers which had been signed by a judge who probably signs divorce papers every day. While caring friends were saying, "Let's celebrate!", I was feeling like a death had occurred.... Death of a marriage.... Death of "til death do us part."

A time will come when I celebrate the beginning of a new chapter in my life. But, for now, I grieve. While it is easier to surround myself with noise and busyness, I need to allow myself to feel the unedited version of how I really feel. No pretending that I have it all together. There are haunting questions like, "Was I not good enough?" and "Could I have done more to make our marriage last for a lifetime?" While I won't dwell on those questions forever, I must face them. "Anesthesia" such as food, activity, noise, sleep, and work will numb my pain for a limited amount of time. But, only waking up and facing my grief will allow me to move forward in my life journey.

Author Steven James writes that we cannot expect the visible to heal the invisible. A damaged soul can only be bandaged by God's hand.

"So I lay myself before You:

a damaged heart in need of repair,

an empty vessel needing to be filled,

an aching soul needing to be healed."

(from "A Heart Exposed" by Steven James)

Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Lord, I feel like someone is using sandpaper to scrape the open wound of my heart. Thank you for staying close in the midst of my noisy and hurried life. Help me to face my pain and to feel Your presence.

Clowns and Shakers

On this night, thirty years ago, I had been married for just a few hours. And, on this night in 2012, I have no words of wisdom or advice.

Even though this has been a busy day, it has been a time of introspection and pondering. Jumbled thoughts dance through my head tonight as I travel back to 1982. During a time of no cell phones or internet, we planned a wedding from 1100 miles away. Dress patterns and soft blue material were mailed to all of the bridesmaids who were either in North Carolina, or would be traveling from as far as Florida, Texas, and New Mexico. Family and friends served as gracious and willing hosts for the wedding party members who had traveled long distances. The groom wore his formal Air Force uniform, the best man sported his formal Army uniform, and the groomsmen wore black suits with striped ties. Since I was an Air Force officer, I briefly entertained the thought of wearing my formal uniform, but opted for a beautiful white wedding dress which made me feel like a princess. My tall, handsome daddy wore his best dark suit, and proudly walked me down the aisle. Before entering the room, I remember holding my daddy's arm and standing in awe of the elegant sanctuary which was lit by hundreds of glowing white candles.

Even after all of these years, it touches me that so many people volunteered to help make the wedding weekend a memorable occasion. A dear lady in my home church decorated the sanctuary with greenery as a wedding gift. Another precious family friend made the wedding cake and matching sheet cakes as a wedding gift. The white icing with red roses perfectly matched my wedding bouquet. My sweet Mama made the food for the reception, and was available for whatever needed to be done. Bridal showers were hosted, and net rice bags were made and filled. The church choir sounded like angels as they sang "The Majesty and Glory of Your Name" from the balcony of the sanctuary.

One of my sisters bought dolls, and sewed wedding outfits for them. The groom doll was a clown which would fit right into my clown collection. My youngest sister, who was about 11 years-old at that time, gave me a salt and pepper shaker set which consisted of a boy and girl clown. The girl clown was holding a red umbrella, while the boy clown was holding a blue balloon. I remember that my sister cried because she thought the salt and pepper shakers were not as nice as other gifts that we received. Joy, you had a kind and generous heart then, just as you do now. Some of the other gifts have been long forgotten. But, your gift from the heart will always be remembered.

We had many wonderful years, and in 1992 were blessed with a precious son who is now in college 400 miles away and continues to be a joy in my life.

In just a few days, the divorce will be final. To be quite honest, I am not sure how we got from where we were in 1982 to where we are now. But, as I sit here with my bride and groom dolls and my little clown shaker set, I know that I have been blessed.....and I would do it again.

A Case for Peace

On this evening, I am sitting at the dining room table, surrounded by stacks of books, a journal, an empty granola bar wrapper, and a partially consumed Coke Zero. A word has been on my mind since this morning when I read some thoughts that were penned by Julie Garmon, a Daily Guideposts writer from Monroe, Georgia.... "I'm choosing to seek God's peace every single day. Absolutely nothing is worth losing it - no events in my past, no bitterness in the present, no fear about the future. No one has the power to take my peace from me; I have to choose to give it away..."

Yes, the word is "peace". As a young girl, I sang the following words with other GAs at a wonderful mountain camp: "I have the peace that passes understanding down in my heart, down in my heart to stay." Those words were taken directly from Philippians 4:7 - "And the peace of God which passes (transcends) all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

At that time of youth and innocence, I had no comprehension of what the future would hold for me, or of how that peace that truly goes beyond all understanding would stay with me throughout the years of my life. But, as a 9 year-old girl, I chose to place my trust in the One Who has never failed me. It was the most crucial decision of my life.

Even in times of heart-wrenching grief and loss, that underlying peace of God has sustained me. When my body was found to be housing cancer....in times of abandonment, whether through death or other means....God's faithfulness and peace have seen me through. Does that mean that we do not grieve? Absolutely not! It is normal and healthy to work through the stages of grief when there is a sense of loss. And, no one can dictate a time frame when we should "get on with it" or "get over it".

Jesus comforted His disciples with these words in John 14:27 - "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

On this day, I am choosing peace. As Julie Garmon said, nothing is worth giving away that peace. And, no one or no circumstance has the power to take that peace from me.

Oh, here is the rest of the song: "And I'm so happy, so very happy; I have the love of Jesus in my heart, down in my heart. And I'm so happy, so very happy; I have the love of Jesus in my heart."

Colossians 3:15 - "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."

Lord, thank you for putting a song in my heart, and for being the source of my peace.

Ordinary People

For a moment, let's play a "what if" game. What if you were a member of a large family.....and some important guests were coming to your home for a visit.....and your dad had been instructed to gather all of his children.....and a great honor was to be given to one of the children, but no one knew who the chosen child would be.....and you were doing your ordinary, assigned chores that you did every day.....and you were not invited to be a part of your family's visit with the distinguished guests.

What thoughts might run through my mind if I was not invited to the mysterious gathering? Am I not a part of this family? Does my father love me and think of me as his child? I try so hard to please him! He must not believe that I am very smart or capable of being anything other than ordinary.

When Samuel went to meet with Jesse and his sons, Samuel did not know which son would be anointed as king. God instructed Samuel to go with the promise that, at the right time, He would show Samuel what to do and which son to anoint.

When Jesse's sons started parading in front of Samuel, he started looking for all of the outer attributes that he thought would make a good king. But, God stopped Samuel and told him that he was looking at all of the wrong things.

1 Samuel 16:7 - But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outer appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

So Jesse didn't follow his instructions to gather all of his sons. And, Samuel was looking at Jesse's sons' outer appearance as he was searching for a king. And, David was out in the field doing his ordinary job of tending the sheep. Yet, when God called David, his ordinary life was suddenly extraordinary.

David's brothers (and even his father) were surely shocked when David was anointed as king. I can hear some of their comments as David was being brought in from the field. What a waste of time to bring David in! He is just an ordinary shepherd! I am the oldest! I am the strongest! I should be the one! There must be a mistake here!

Have you ever felt left out? Or, like David's brothers, have you ever expected an honor, but found yourself helplessly watching as that honor was presented to another person? Have you ever felt like, no matter what you did, you could not measure up to your parents' expectations of you to be smart or pretty or talented or ______ (you fill in the blank)?

Our Heavenly Father is watching and guiding us on those days when we feel so ordinary. His love for us is not based on physical appearance or talent or any other performance. What a comfort to know that there is nothing we can do to make our Father love us more, and there is nothing we can do to make Him love us less. He reminds us that His invitation is always open to us, and that no one is excluded. This loving Father longs to spend time with us and to comfort us when we feel discouraged and beat up by the world.

May we remember that David did not receive one of the first invitations to the gathering where he would be anointed as king. That shows us what can happen on an ordinary day when an ordinary person is touched and chosen by an extraordinary God!

When others see a shepherd boy,

God may see a king.

Even though your life is filled

with ordinary things.

In just a moment, He can touch you,

And everything will change.

When others see a shepherd boy,

God may see a king.

(Chorus to "Shepherd Boy")

Lord, thank you for loving and choosing ordinary people.

Provision Challenge

On this late night when the outdoor temperature is dipping into the teens, I am propped up against a beautiful peach colored satin pillowcase (made by my sweet mama!) and am surrounded by some of my favorite things....books, journal, calendar, pen, highlighter, soft cream colored throw, a bear named "Pinky"....You get the picture. And, on this night, I am thinking about provisions.

My sister, Jan, is a wonderful example of someone who watches for God's provisions on a daily basis. She encouraged me to start listing God's provisions in my calendar as they occur. So, I have decided to take her up on what I will call the "2012 Provision Challenge". Perhaps I will share about God's provisions throughout the year. In fact, I will start right now. Yes, it is only the third day of 2012, and there are already provisions listed and highlighted in my new calendar.

On January 2, I wrote in my calendar that I get to skip my house payment for the month of January due to refinancing at a lower interest rate. Because of that lower interest rate, my future house payments will decrease by $177 per month. Provisions! On this evening, I stopped by a local Christian bookstore with a coupon and a gift card in hand. When I left the store, I had two new books and a nickel to spare on my gift card! That provision is penned and highlighted in my calendar.

We have a choice to live with a scarcity mentality or an abundance mentality. In the scarcity mentality world, we believe that there are only so many blessings and provisions to go around. But, in the abundance mentality, we live in a world of unlimited blessings and provisions. I am choosing the abundance mentality. After all, Jesus came to give us an abundant life. It is not His desire that we live in the scarcity mindset.

Sometimes we are blind to God's provisions, even though they are all around us. But, when we have a true desire to see the blessings and provisions, it is as if God peels the scales from our eyes. I am going to be watching for those provisions with an abundance mentality during this fresh new year!

Deuteronomy 28:11a - The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity...

Philippians 4:19 - And my God will supply all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

John 10:10b - I have come that they may have life, and have it more abundantly.

Lord, help me to watch for your abundant provisions. And, thank you for sisters who challenge us and lead the way.

Peace and Peanut Butter

On this first day of 2012, I am eating a bowl of oatmeal with peanut butter (my favorite!) mixed in, drinking a Coke Zero, and reading the first Daily Guideposts devotion for this new year. After reading the devotion, I usually turn to the back of the book and read about the writer of the devotion for that day. I have tried to make it a habit to breathe a prayer for the writer after reading about him/her.

One thing I have learned is that the Daily Guideposts devotion writers are real people who have become a family. I look forward to reading about what has happened in the lives of each writer throughout the year. There is always a theme for the year. I am so excited to learn that the theme for 2012 is "The Things That Make for Peace".

Let me back up and say that, throughout the year, there are the inevitable days when I don't slow down enough to sit and read the daily devotion. But, when I do, there are always blessings and timely messages which seem to be penned just for me.

As I read the devotion by Marion Bond West on this day, these words jumped off of the page: "I'm trying to practice being still and quiet and letting God be God." Marion, I'm with you! Your words are my heart's desire on January 1, 2012.

Psalm 46:10a - Be still and know that I am God.

John 14:27 - Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid.

Lord, help me to take time to be still and quiet in this noisy world as I listen for Your voice. And, help me to let You be God!