Singing and Soaring

Psalm 144:9a - "I will sing a new song to You, O God.."

I am on the brink of yet another new chapter in my life. And, so is my son. We had such a special weekend at the beach. It was refreshing to be away from the things which have the potential to keep us from spending time together...computers, work, other people, overfilled schedules.

Spending quality time with Rob has been a priority for many years. In fact, we started our Tuesday "date night" tradition when he was in the early elementary school years. Since Bob had his weekly fire department meeting on Tuesday nights, it was the perfect opportunity for Rob and me to set aside that time for each other. Our time together did not include anything fancy or expensive. We would usually go out for dinner. And, the time was most important....not the specifics of what we did during that time.

Tomorrow I will be taking my son to American University in Washington, DC.

And, for the first time, he will not be coming home from school at the end of the day. Rob is very excited and understandably apprehensive as this is a huge step for him. I am also excited for Rob, and am doing everything I can to help make this new life experience happen for him. But, I must confess that this is a bittersweet time as I watch my only child spread his wings. As Rob becomes an American eagle (yes, the eagle is the university mascot!), I want him to soar. But, this mom's confession is that I am dreading the moment when I get in my car and drive home without Rob. And, I am dreading the moment when I walk in the front door of our home, knowing that Rob will not be coming in and out of that same door for several months.

I dread walking into his bedroom and seeing all of the things that remind me of my beloved son. Those may sound like selfish thoughts. But, they are my thoughts, nonetheless. A wise friend reminded me that Rob is not going to the moon, and that I will see him again. But, I must say that it feels like he is traveling to the moon.

Back to the song....I want to find the song that God has for me during this time of my life. Even on those melancholy days which will surely come, I know that God will give me a new song, just as He will have a new song for Rob. I pray that God will cover Rob and me with His protective, comforting wings.

Psalm 91:4a - "He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge."

Psalm 91:11 - "For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways."

Lord, help me to depend on You for my song during the days ahead, especially on those days when I cannot hear the music. Help me to hope in You, and help Rob to turn to You during the challenging days ahead. My desire is that both of us will, in Your strength, sing and soar!

Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Dan's Courageous Example

On March 14, 2010 I posted a blog entry entitled "Gentle Friendship". My dear friend and childhood basketball buddy, Dan, had just been diagnosed with cancer and was beginning a new journey down an unknown path. I shared these words: "I believe that God will put a quiet, unwavering courage and strength inside of Dan this week. I am praying that this courage and strength will be evident to all who are in his path, and that people will stand in awe of what God chooses to do in the coming days."

God has truly answered that prayer as, over the last weeks and months, Dan has consistently demonstrated an unwavering strength and courage beyond all human capability. Dan has faced surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. From the very beginning of this journey, Dan has insisted that God has a plan. He continues to trust God and to stand on a firm foundation.

There was much rejoicing yesterday as Nancy, Dan's faithful wife, announced to our congregation that the latest scan revealed no visible sign of disease in Dan's body. He will complete the last dozen chemotherapy treatments, and has a cruise scheduled in a few weeks.

Nancy reminded us that, if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

When I wrote about my gentle friend on March 14, I had no idea that I would be diagnosed with cancer just 18 days later. While my journey, so far, has been far less extensive than Dan's journey, I found myself relating to Dan and drawing strength from his courageous example as I faced surgery and radiation treatments. I am thrilled to say that there is also no visible sign of disease in my body at this time.

A verse of an old hymn of the faith comes to mind: "Fear not, for I am with thee; O be not dismayed. For I am thy God, and I will still give thee aid. I will strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand."

Dan, thank you for showing me through your life that God has a plan, that we can trust Him, and that we have a firm foundation on which to stand. I am convinced that God is not finished with us yet!

All

Sometimes the Holy Spirit removes the scales from our eyes and allows us to see things that have been there all along. On this day, the word that has jumped off of the page is "all". I feel compelled to share some things that have leaped from the scriptures and have landed in my heart.

Psalm 145:13b - The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made.

vs 14 - The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.

Matthew 6:33 - Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you (another way to say added unto you is "given to you as well").

Psalm 91:9 - If you make the Most High your dwelling.... even the Lord, who is my refuge.... (vs 10) Then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. (vs 11) For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:19 - My God will supply all your needs, according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

(vs 7) And the peace of God, which passes (transcends) all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Those are just the verses that I saw on this day. I am sure that I did not even begin to see all of the hundreds of "all verses".

Prayer from a thankful heart:

1) Lord, thank you for all of Your blessings.

2) Thank you for being faithful to keep all of your promises.

3) Thank you for giving me strength to do all things.

4) Thank you for supplying all of my needs. Help me to remember the difference in a want and a need.

5) Even though I still have an occasional "meltdown moment", thank you for giving me a peace that goes beyond all understanding during these days of tremendous change in my life.

"You are my strength when I am weak, You are the treasure that I seek; You are my all in all. Seeking you as a precious jewel, Lord, to give up I'd be a fool; You are my all in all. Taking my sin, my cross, my shame, Rising again I bless Your name; You are my all in all. When I fall down, You pick me up; When I am dry, You fill my cup; You are my all in all."

In all things, worthy is Your name!!

Changing Views

Have you ever noticed that perspective changes everything? Here is an example. My son, Rob, graduated from high school last weekend. What a joyous occasion! I am so proud of him. Rob was number six in his class of about 258 seniors. Very impressive. There was a valedictorian, then four seniors who tied for salutatorian. Each of those top five students gave a speech at the graduation ceremony. As we were talking about graduation this evening, Rob referred to himself as the "Valedictorian of the Non-Speech Givers". I love that! What a positive attitude and a great way to look at something that was already good.

Now I am pondering how I can incorporate this way of thinking into my own life. Instead of viewing 2010 as the year when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, perhaps I should think of it as the year when I became a cancer survivor and developed a renewed appreciation for life. Rather than thinking of 2010 as the year when my husband left our 28 year marriage, perhaps I can choose to think of it as the year when I was given the opportunity to start a new chapter in my life, a chapter that is filled with endless possibilities. Does making the decision to change my way of thinking mean that I live in the world of denial and never have a rough day? Absolutely not! It is just a conscious effort to develop a new perspective regarding a situation that has not changed.

"I look across my life and see so many storms. I look across Your love and see only horizons."

Yes, it is all in how we choose to look at the situation. I am going to work on this one.

Story of My Life

I want to share the words to a song that I sang at church this morning. These words reach into the depths of my soul.

Story of My Life

If I had the words to tell you

exactly how I feel

Then I could fill a million pages

with all You've done for me

If I traced each memory

and the source of all my dreams,

Cover to cover You'd see

You are the story of my life

I need You by my side

Both now and ever

You are the Lover of my soul

No matter where I go

I know it's true

The Story of my life is You

If I turned the pages of

The things You've brought me through

There'd be a thread of faithfulness

In everything You do

I'd see where You washed me

Just as white as the snow

And how each day You're helping me grow

You are the Story of my life

I need You by my side

Both now and ever

You are the Lover of my soul

No matter where I go

I know it's true

The Story of my life is You

You are my Testimony

The Reason that I sing

I long to bring You glory

So may You always be

Found on every page of me

You are the Story of my life

I need You by my side

Both now and ever

You are the Lover of my soul

No matter where I go

I know it's true

The Story of my life is You

Lord, help me to remember your faithfulness and that You are the Story of my life.

Transparency

The following poem comes from the deepest recesses of my heart on this fourth day of radiation. There is always a risk involved when we are transparent. But, I am choosing to take that risk.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED?

What ever happened after giving our heart?

After saying "I do" 'til death do us part?

What ever happened to seeing it through?

To really meaning "I'll be with you", and "Forever I'll be true."?

What ever happened to growing old with you?

To make the promise last, what did I need to do?

I keep thinking the door will open, and there you will be,

Ready to keep the promise of spending your life with me.

As I travel through these days of pondering

how and when things started going wrong,

It becomes clear that, whatever the answer,

I must be brave and move on.

I am confident that God is with me,

And He'll show me what to do;

Whatever happens in the days ahead,

I know He will carry me through.

But, for now, there is still great sadness,

As I grieve for what has been lost;

A marriage, a home, a relationship,

And, I wonder....at what cost?

Radiation Eve

I am writing this note on the eve of my first radiation treatment. For many years, every woman diagnosed with breast cancer had no alternative but to have a mastectomy. However, for more than two decades, lumpectomy and radiation (together called breast conservation therapy) have increasingly been used to treat patients with early stage breast cancer (Stage O, I, and II). I am thankful that my tumor was caught very early and was classified as Stage I.

Two steps are involved in the breast conservation therapy. First, a lumpectomy is performed to remove the cancerous tumor. That step was done on April 20, and I have recovered well. Second, I will have the partial breast radiation which will target the area of the breast that has the highest risk for recurrence of the cancer.

The partial radiation approach minimizes radiation exposure to healthy tissue.

Last Wednesday I had outpatient surgery in the surgeon's office. At that time, the surgeon made a small incision in the same site where the tumor was removed. He then implanted a catheter which had a polyurethane balloon on the end. After the catheter was placed in the cavity where the small tumor had been removed, the balloon was inflated with fluid.

During the next five days, I will go twice a day for the radiation treatments which will last about 20 minutes each time. During each treatment, a radioactive seed will be inserted in the catheter, and moved to the balloon to treat the target tissue. After each treatment, the seed will be removed.

Much of the information that I have shared tonight has been gleaned from materials that I have read over the last few weeks, as this is very new to me. I will be forever grateful to those who have lifted me up (and continue to do so) with your love, support, and prayers since the beginning of April when the cancer was diagnosed.