Changing Views

Have you ever noticed that perspective changes everything? Here is an example. My son, Rob, graduated from high school last weekend. What a joyous occasion! I am so proud of him. Rob was number six in his class of about 258 seniors. Very impressive. There was a valedictorian, then four seniors who tied for salutatorian. Each of those top five students gave a speech at the graduation ceremony. As we were talking about graduation this evening, Rob referred to himself as the "Valedictorian of the Non-Speech Givers". I love that! What a positive attitude and a great way to look at something that was already good.

Now I am pondering how I can incorporate this way of thinking into my own life. Instead of viewing 2010 as the year when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, perhaps I should think of it as the year when I became a cancer survivor and developed a renewed appreciation for life. Rather than thinking of 2010 as the year when my husband left our 28 year marriage, perhaps I can choose to think of it as the year when I was given the opportunity to start a new chapter in my life, a chapter that is filled with endless possibilities. Does making the decision to change my way of thinking mean that I live in the world of denial and never have a rough day? Absolutely not! It is just a conscious effort to develop a new perspective regarding a situation that has not changed.

"I look across my life and see so many storms. I look across Your love and see only horizons."

Yes, it is all in how we choose to look at the situation. I am going to work on this one.

Story of My Life

I want to share the words to a song that I sang at church this morning. These words reach into the depths of my soul.

Story of My Life

If I had the words to tell you

exactly how I feel

Then I could fill a million pages

with all You've done for me

If I traced each memory

and the source of all my dreams,

Cover to cover You'd see

You are the story of my life

I need You by my side

Both now and ever

You are the Lover of my soul

No matter where I go

I know it's true

The Story of my life is You

If I turned the pages of

The things You've brought me through

There'd be a thread of faithfulness

In everything You do

I'd see where You washed me

Just as white as the snow

And how each day You're helping me grow

You are the Story of my life

I need You by my side

Both now and ever

You are the Lover of my soul

No matter where I go

I know it's true

The Story of my life is You

You are my Testimony

The Reason that I sing

I long to bring You glory

So may You always be

Found on every page of me

You are the Story of my life

I need You by my side

Both now and ever

You are the Lover of my soul

No matter where I go

I know it's true

The Story of my life is You

Lord, help me to remember your faithfulness and that You are the Story of my life.

Transparency

The following poem comes from the deepest recesses of my heart on this fourth day of radiation. There is always a risk involved when we are transparent. But, I am choosing to take that risk.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED?

What ever happened after giving our heart?

After saying "I do" 'til death do us part?

What ever happened to seeing it through?

To really meaning "I'll be with you", and "Forever I'll be true."?

What ever happened to growing old with you?

To make the promise last, what did I need to do?

I keep thinking the door will open, and there you will be,

Ready to keep the promise of spending your life with me.

As I travel through these days of pondering

how and when things started going wrong,

It becomes clear that, whatever the answer,

I must be brave and move on.

I am confident that God is with me,

And He'll show me what to do;

Whatever happens in the days ahead,

I know He will carry me through.

But, for now, there is still great sadness,

As I grieve for what has been lost;

A marriage, a home, a relationship,

And, I wonder....at what cost?

Radiation Eve

I am writing this note on the eve of my first radiation treatment. For many years, every woman diagnosed with breast cancer had no alternative but to have a mastectomy. However, for more than two decades, lumpectomy and radiation (together called breast conservation therapy) have increasingly been used to treat patients with early stage breast cancer (Stage O, I, and II). I am thankful that my tumor was caught very early and was classified as Stage I.

Two steps are involved in the breast conservation therapy. First, a lumpectomy is performed to remove the cancerous tumor. That step was done on April 20, and I have recovered well. Second, I will have the partial breast radiation which will target the area of the breast that has the highest risk for recurrence of the cancer.

The partial radiation approach minimizes radiation exposure to healthy tissue.

Last Wednesday I had outpatient surgery in the surgeon's office. At that time, the surgeon made a small incision in the same site where the tumor was removed. He then implanted a catheter which had a polyurethane balloon on the end. After the catheter was placed in the cavity where the small tumor had been removed, the balloon was inflated with fluid.

During the next five days, I will go twice a day for the radiation treatments which will last about 20 minutes each time. During each treatment, a radioactive seed will be inserted in the catheter, and moved to the balloon to treat the target tissue. After each treatment, the seed will be removed.

Much of the information that I have shared tonight has been gleaned from materials that I have read over the last few weeks, as this is very new to me. I will be forever grateful to those who have lifted me up (and continue to do so) with your love, support, and prayers since the beginning of April when the cancer was diagnosed.

Living the Journey

On this Friday morning, I am reading again in Steven James' book entitled A Heart Exposed...Talking to God with Nothing to Hide. Here is a prayer that is speaking to my heart:

"To the One Who came to free prisoners.

You dance on the breeze in the evening light,

You leap on the curl of a wave, crashing white.

You twirl on a star on the darkest night,

calling, 'Live the journey! Live!'

You seek out the path of the summer rain,

You gleam in the sunlight

and bound through the grain.

You shout through the storm and I hear the refrain,

'Live the journey! Live!'

You ride on the clouds as they streak through the sky,

You soar with the eagle, and gleam in her eye.

You call from the peak and the mountains reply,

'Live the journey! Live'

You brave all the rapids and paddle upstream,

Embracing the world's most impossible dream.

You whisper and shout, and sometimes You scream,

'Live the journey! Live'

You stand with Your face to the salt and the spray,

You run in the race in the heat of the day;

You invite us to die and be born a new way;

To live the journey.

To live."

Jill's prayer: Lord, You came that I might have life, and have it more abundantly. Thank you for showing me that my journey here is not over. I pray that I will never take life for granted. In Your time, reveal the plans that You have for the next phase of my journey through this life. And, help me to live the journey. To live.

Faithfulness

On this Thursday morning, I am thinking about God's faithfulness. Two days ago I had surgery during which the surgeon removed a small tumor that had taken up residence in my left breast. While I was under anesthesia, some lymph nodes were removed and tested. What a relief to learn that there was no cancer in the lymph nodes! God is faithful. When I learned, weeks ago, that there was cancer in my body, God was faithful. And, if there had been cancer in the lymph nodes, God would have been faithful to carry me through.

Yesterday a friend reminded me of the words in Lamentations 3:22-23 ...

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

Consumed with what? Worry? Anger? Bitterness? Regret? Disappointment? It would be so easy to be consumed with some of those feelings. But, because of God's great love, we are NOT consumed.

Of course, that scripture brings to mind one of the old hymns of the faith...Great is Thy Faithfulness". One of my favorite lines is "Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not." In plain language, that means "God, You don't change, and Your love never fails." God is faithful to be there. Period.

People change. People leave. But, God promised that He would never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). And, He is faithful to keep His promises.

Yes, God will be faithful to carry me through the days ahead as I heal and then go through the radiation treatments. And, it is a comfort to know that no one can snatch me out of my Father's hands (John 10:29).

Note: I encourage you to go to lesleyheartspeaks.blogspot.com as my friend has written a recent posting which encourages us to be faithful about getting our screening mammograms. You will not be surprised that I am in complete agreement about that. A lady recently said to me that she is negligent about getting her mammograms because "what I don't know won't hurt me." The truth is that what we don't know can kill us. So, make yourself a priority and schedule that mammogram if you are due for one.

Health Update

Since there are folks who are keeping up with my health updates on this blog, here is the latest:

My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, April 20. The surgeon plans to do a lumpectomy. He will also make an additional incision under my arm for the purpose of removing several key lymph nodes which will be tested while I am still under anesthesia. If the nodes are not clear (of cancer), the surgeon will remove all of the lymph nodes from under my left arm and will insert a couple of drains. I pray that the lymph nodes will be cancer-free.

The surgeon said that I will need to have radiation for a time after the surgery. But, I will know more details about that later.

One step at a time.