Marigold

Here are some thoughts which were written one week ago as I enjoyed my special day at the beach:

I am sitting by the ocean at a restaurant called The Crow's Nest. Since it is mid-afternoon in the late Autumn season, I am the only customer at the restaurant. So, I am enjoying dining outside, listening to the waves, and writing in my journal. And, the chicken quesadillas are delicious!

To say that I am savoring these moments would not even begin to tell the story. While this special day at the beach is a birthday gift that I gave to myself, I am very aware that every day is a precious gift from God.

It is such fun to watch people. Since I am here in the month of November, the beach is not crowded. The majority of the beach population on this day consists of senior adults and their dogs.

As I walked on the beach this morning, I met an older couple from Canada. While they were an interesting pair, the family member who caught my attention and completely fascinated me was their dog. "Marigold" is an 11 year-old golden retriever who seems to live a fearless life. When a ball is tossed into the ocean, Marigold sprints after it with abandon, jumping the waves until she retrieves the prize. She pursues that prize with courage and uninhibited joy.

I observed that Marigold would sometimes lose sight of the ball. When that happened, her owner would make an effort to get closer and talk to her as he tried to give guidance about the location of the prize. Because of the sounds of the crashing waves, Marigold could not hear her owner's voice. When she briefly came out of the turbulent waters, she was able to hear the direction from her master, enabling her to get back on track in her pursuit of the prize.

Oh, how true that is of our lives! When we are in the midst of the turbulent seas and the crashing waves of life, it can be difficult to hear our Master's voice. He is trying to give us direction and guidance. But, until we take time to remove ourselves from the distractions and the noise, we can't hear His voice. While our Master has the power to quiet those crashing waves, He sometimes chooses not to do that. Maybe He wants us to take a step toward Him so that we can hear His voice.

I learned that Marigold's body was designed for the purpose of retrieving. God has also designed me for a purpose. At this time in my life, I am not sure

what is being tossed out into the waves before me. But, I am confident that God will equip me with exactly what I need. And, like Marigold, I want to go after that prize with courage and joy!

"I wanna live with a fearless heart;

Courage that's coming from trust in God.

It's constantly guiding me, though the road may seem dark;

I wanna live, wanna live with a fearless heart."

(Fearless Heart by Point of Grace)

Philippians 3:14 - I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me Heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Balconies and Bars

At this moment, I am sitting in a white plastic chair on an 11th floor balcony, drinking French Vanilla hot chocolate, eating cheese crackers, relaxing, and thoroughly enjoying the ocean. This day at the beach is a birthday gift that I gave myself. And, God is so gracious to provide the sights and sounds of nature. The vastness of the ocean never ceases to amaze me. And, oh how I love the sound of the crashing waves!

If I sit on the balcony as I am now, I view the ocean through black bars (which, by the way, I am grateful are there since they protect me from falling eleven stories to my death!). However, if I stand on this balcony, I can enjoy the ocean with no bars obstructing the view. It seems significant to me that, to remove the obstacles, I need to change my position.

It occurs to me that we sometimes sit in our current circumstances and view the world through obstructing "bars" that we have created for ourselves.

I am very aware that a solution may not be an "easy fix". But, I am convinced that, in some life situations, a good start is to change our view.

Maybe this will involve choosing to develop a different attitude which will help us see the current circumstances through new eyes. While the scenario may be the same, getting in a position which removes the obstructing "bars" may help us see more clearly how to handle the situation.

One week ago, I received a good six-month medical report, after being diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. What a blessing and a relief to learn that, six months after surgery and radiation treatments, there were no signs of cancer! But, yesterday I shared with friends that I am thankful that I was diagnosed with cancer this year as it put me in a position which changed how I view the world. I notice things that I might have missed before. Even though my life is not perfect, there are no self-created "bars" obstructing my view.

On this day, I am choosing to position myself to see clearly and to be thankful....for this time at the beach on a beautiful sunny day in November, for another birthday, for the ability to walk on the beach, for good health, for an earthly family and a Heavenly Father who love me, for friends who value me and who accept me "as is", for encouraging words which sometimes arrive through songs or from chance meetings with strangers, for opportunities to serve God, for teachers who taught me to read and write, for a job that I enjoy and that gives me opportunities to make a difference, for money to pay my bills, for a home....the list of blessings is as vast as the ocean!

Are there "bars" obstructing your view of life? If so, think about how you can position yourself to see more clearly. There is an ocean of blessings that you don't want to miss!

Missing the Miracles

My kitchen window faces a deck which is on the back of the house. Over the years, I have spent a lot of time at that window as I washed dishes. During an evening when Rob was 7 years-old, we were on the deck cleaning out the birdbath/fountain. As we worked together, God provided a brilliant sunset.

Standing in awe of that breath-taking scene, I asked Rob, "How have I missed these beautiful sunsets?" He looked up at me and immediately responded, "You've been looking down at the dishes." Ouch! That honest answer from an innocent child pierced my heart. I realized that, as I was busy looking down and focusing on the dishes, I was missing the miracle of the sunset.

That experience occurred over a decade ago. Since then, we have enjoyed many sunsets from the view of that same deck. The valuable lesson that I learned from my 7 year-old son was that the dishes would wait. They would be there when the sunset was gone.

Lord, forgive my busy nature. Show me what is truly important, and don't let me miss the beauty that you are so faithful to provide. As Rob is now in college, and I sit alone on that deck, give me eyes that still see the miracles.

Expiration Dates

Over the last couple of days, I have been pondering the subject of expiration dates. Yes, those "best if used by" dates that we find stamped on many food products. You are probably already wondering why that topic would be on my mind. So, I will tell you about something that happened on Saturday afternoon.

As I was reading a recipe that I wanted to make for an evening gathering, I noticed that an ingredient in the recipe was celery salt. I could not imagine that I had any celery salt in stock, as I didn't recall ever using that ingredient in a recipe. But, I decided to look in the cabinet anyway. And, to my great amazement, there was a container of celery salt! I decided that it would be a wise idea to check the expiration date. And, there it was....are you ready?.....March 16, 1989!! That container of celery salt was three years older than my son who is now a freshman in college! Did I use that celery salt? No way. That ingredient's opportunity to be used had expired long ago. So, I tossed it out.

Then my mind drifted off in a different direction. I began to wonder what it would be like if we were born with an expiration date stamped somewhere on our bodies. Yes, a "best if used by" date which could signify the date of our death, or perhaps a date when health problems would prevent us from serving in the way that God had originally equipped us to serve. Would we live in fear? Or, would we have more of a sense of urgency to be used and to do what God has called us to do prior to that expiration date? Something to think about.

It occurs to me that perhaps I should have more of a sense of urgency because I don't know my expiration date. If I have a song to play, then I need to play it. If I feel that nudge from the Holy Spirit to say or write an encouraging word, then I need to be swift about sharing that word. How do I know there will be another opportunity? If you are a teacher, and there is a lesson that needs to be taught, then be diligent and passionate about teaching it while there is still time. Only God knows how long we have to serve Him in this life.

Psalm 139:16 - All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 90:12 - Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Expectations

It has been three weeks since I took my son, Rob, to American University in Washington, DC. As I walk through this new chapter of life, I am thinking that it might be therapeutic to record some memories. So, here is one from 1999:

Rob was 7 years-old, and had slept in later than usual since he was out of school for Veterans' Day. At 11:30pm he was having difficulty falling asleep.

I finally laid down beside him in the darkness of his room. Five to ten minutes of quietness passed, and I thought that Rob had finally fallen asleep.

Suddenly, I heard a little voice next to me saying, "Mom, there is something that I have to tell you." I replied, "What is it?". Rob said, "I think I know how to spell expectation." He spelled it for me, and I assured him that he was correct. Then he immediately fell asleep.

How many times do we lie in bed for a "spell" (pun intended!:), thinking about expectations? Did I accomplish everything that I expected that I would accomplish on that day? It is so easy to get caught up in what others expect of us, and what we expect of ourselves when what really matters is what God expects of us. And, that is outlined in His Word.

I have always been a "list person". The confession is that I sometimes write down a task that I have already accomplished so that I can immediately check it off. How crazy is that?! I suppose that some of us thrive on that feeling of accomplishment. But, life is more than a series of "to do" lists. It might surprise my son to read that as he has gone through years of "Rob Job" lists. Those were my expectations of him after his homework was completed. And, sharing responsibilities is part of being a family.

However, God does not want us to live in a prison of guilt because of an unmet expectation that we placed on ourselves, or that we allowed (yes, we gave them permission) someone else to place on us.

An old hymn of the faith says, "Give of your best to the Master." If our best did not include getting everything done on our "to do" list, then maybe we need to give ourselves a break. Perhaps we need to put down that heavy bag of expectations for a "spell". We may decide that we don't want to pick it up again.

Matthew 11:28 - Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened (Jill's note - weary and burdened from expectations?), and I will give you rest.

Lord, I know that You are beside me in the darkness and quietness of the night. Help me to say, "Father, there is something that I have to tell You." I know that You will reply, "What is it, my child?" After I tell You what is on my mind, help me to rest in You.

Obstacles and Chains

I have been reading again in "A Heart Exposed ..Talking to God with Nothing to Hide". Here are some excerpts that spoke to me on this night:

"We are sky children

lost in the valley,

looking for the trail

back up the hill."

"Somehow I've managed to convince myself that all of these chains I drape over my soul are really necklaces to happiness."

"It's hard to have perspective when the prison feels so much like home."

Psalm 142:7 - Set me free from my prison, that I may praise Your name."

What is my prison? Anger? Disappointment? Resentment? An unforgiving heart? Bingo!

As I was driving today, I heard a short segment of a sermon on the Christian radio station. From what I could gather, the pastor was talking about obstacles in our spiritual lives. At the risk of no one believing me, I am going to share the words that jumped from the radio to my soul: "Maybe you have not forgiven Bob." Yes, he actually said that! Then the pastor proceeded to give other examples of names that may not have been forgiven.

Those words brought to mind a conversation that took place in my home several years ago as Bob was preparing to travel to his daughter's wedding which was taking place in Texas. I felt prompted to ask Bob if he had forgiven his ex-wife who would be at the wedding. Even though they had been divorced for over thirty years, it occurred to me that the greatest gift Bob could give his daughter was to forgive her mother. Bob assured me that he had forgiven her many years ago.

Fast forward to the present. Now it is time for me to examine my own heart. Just maybe it is possible that I have not forgiven Bob for leaving at a critical time in my life. Even though he did not know that I would be diagnosed with breast cancer just a few weeks after he made the decision to leave, I must admit that I sometimes felt abandoned by him as I was driving alone twice each day for the radiation treatments. But, God was good as He always provided the perfect song on the radio, or a kind, encouraging word at just the right time.

So......I am choosing to forgive, as that is the best gift that I can give myself and my son. And, I hope that Bob will forgive me for anything that I did to contribute to the dissolving of our marriage.

Now excuse me while I go unravel some chains from around my soul.

Ephesians 4:32 - "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Singing and Soaring

Psalm 144:9a - "I will sing a new song to You, O God.."

I am on the brink of yet another new chapter in my life. And, so is my son. We had such a special weekend at the beach. It was refreshing to be away from the things which have the potential to keep us from spending time together...computers, work, other people, overfilled schedules.

Spending quality time with Rob has been a priority for many years. In fact, we started our Tuesday "date night" tradition when he was in the early elementary school years. Since Bob had his weekly fire department meeting on Tuesday nights, it was the perfect opportunity for Rob and me to set aside that time for each other. Our time together did not include anything fancy or expensive. We would usually go out for dinner. And, the time was most important....not the specifics of what we did during that time.

Tomorrow I will be taking my son to American University in Washington, DC.

And, for the first time, he will not be coming home from school at the end of the day. Rob is very excited and understandably apprehensive as this is a huge step for him. I am also excited for Rob, and am doing everything I can to help make this new life experience happen for him. But, I must confess that this is a bittersweet time as I watch my only child spread his wings. As Rob becomes an American eagle (yes, the eagle is the university mascot!), I want him to soar. But, this mom's confession is that I am dreading the moment when I get in my car and drive home without Rob. And, I am dreading the moment when I walk in the front door of our home, knowing that Rob will not be coming in and out of that same door for several months.

I dread walking into his bedroom and seeing all of the things that remind me of my beloved son. Those may sound like selfish thoughts. But, they are my thoughts, nonetheless. A wise friend reminded me that Rob is not going to the moon, and that I will see him again. But, I must say that it feels like he is traveling to the moon.

Back to the song....I want to find the song that God has for me during this time of my life. Even on those melancholy days which will surely come, I know that God will give me a new song, just as He will have a new song for Rob. I pray that God will cover Rob and me with His protective, comforting wings.

Psalm 91:4a - "He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge."

Psalm 91:11 - "For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways."

Lord, help me to depend on You for my song during the days ahead, especially on those days when I cannot hear the music. Help me to hope in You, and help Rob to turn to You during the challenging days ahead. My desire is that both of us will, in Your strength, sing and soar!

Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."